Archive for relationships

Trump, The Election and Men Dating Who?

Posted in Dating, Miscellaneous, My Thoughts on Current Topics with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2016 by Sam

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We had a fight. On election night. Over something trivial and petty, something that typically hasn’t happened, especially since we reconciled two months ago.

It was 10PM EST, and some results had come in. Unbeknownst to my significant other, I was beginning to feel that lull in the pit of my stomach that something scary was about to happen. Something that could change my life.

But how do I explain that to him, this man whom I love, who is not only white, but just doesn’t “get it”? Even though he overcame a racist upbringing, has been married to a woman of color, and has bi-racial children…he still doesn’t “get it”. And no matter how much he may love one of us, including ME, he never will understand:

1.How it feels to be a WOMAN in this seemingly misogynistic world.

2. How it feels to be a black woman (“well traveled”, “educated”, “upper middle class”, “mixed”and in the words of Beyonce, “Becky-with-the-good-hair”, be damned…none of this matters when you are born highly melanted).

3. How it feels to be black in this country, the United States of America.

4. How it feels to be black.

5. Black.

Why doesn’t he get it? How could he not know that my frustration in the grocery store, trying to find something to eat was not about food? How could he not know that I was beginning to implode with FEAR? Defeat? Hopelessness? He sat right next to me and watched the polls; could he not hear my internal screaming? “No! Please, God, NO. Not Trump. I’ll give anything for a Romney now if one of the other candidates can’t make it happen!” Couldn’t he feel my worry? Not just for myself, but my father, my brothers, my friends, my family? My worry about HIS CHILDREN? Weren’t we supposed to be in synch with one another? Yes, I was wrong to pick a fight, but doesn’t he understand WHY?

Maybe I’m “too black” for him. Maybe I’m just too aware. How can I not be about something that touches my life (less often) or the life of those I love (more often) on a daily basis?

Is it that, for SOME, that this “privilege” is so embedded that they suffer from “racial arrested development”? That even when you can love a man or a woman of color that you simply do not have the ability to understand our insecurities that are founded in 400 years of prison followed by fifty plus years of division, in which we are still barely fifty years separated from?

Doesn’t he love me enough to “get it”? Does love have anything to do with it? Tina?

Can this be fixed for ANY couple going through these kinds of uncertainties and pain the day after without deep, introspective, brutally honest conversations?

I don’t know.

But…I also don’t have the privilege of “getting” what it is to be white, either, and I never will.

Gentlemen: if you are dating or married to a person of color (Black, Latina, etc.), a person who is of a different culture or faith (insert Muslim here) today, make sure to hold her, tell her you care, and that you support her. That you stand with her. Even if she is being silent. Your hugs, words, and support are so needed right now – she needs you to be understanding…right now. Talk to her – ask her if she is okay and how you can support her. Watch her glow…and then melt in your arms.

As for the next few days and weeks, I know we will all come together.  In the meantime, there’s a new flick out about an interracial marriage and how they fought to be together in the 1950’s, and won in Superior Court – this law stands today. Yes! All is not lost, with hope. Maybe he and I can go see it.

And then talk.

 

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The Good Girl Guide Books

Posted in Miscellaneous with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2016 by Sam

Since so many have asked, I wrote a book…yay! You can find information about it on my website: Good Girl Guide Books .

Fighting-Breaking Up…Is Your Relationship Worth Keeping?

Posted in Dating, Let's be progressive with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2014 by Sam

Staying Together

Part I – Is the Relationship Worth Keeping?

Are you shaking your head “YES” to at least 7 of the following:

1. You have fun together

2. Your Partner is One of Your Favorite People

3. They still have the ability to give you butterflies

4. You’re both communicating

5. You’re open with each other

6. You’re willing to work through any/all problems

7. You’re not attracted to anyone else (yes, you can still find people attractive…but do you feel an urge to PURSUE the attractive person?)

8. You can be yourself

9. You can grow together and you both can learn things from each other

10. You actually don’t really want to be WITHOUT them in your life in some way – it would hurt if they couldn’t be a part of your life

Taken from the article: Is Your Relationship Worth Keeping

Part II – Fighting

Fighting with your partner can be difficult, nerve-wracking, and stressful. Unfortunately, even the nicest couples we see who we think get along famously…they fight, too. It’s inevitable: two people with two different personalities, life experiences, and needs/wants are entwining their lives – it’s not easy, especially if you’re over 35 and set in your ways. Let’s not forget all of the possible “drama” you went through with relationships prior to that age!

Here are some tips to help with fighting:

1. Frequency doesn’t matter – but how you deal with each other AFTER the fight is what counts. Don’t be spiteful, don’t keep grudges or malice, just let it go…it’s not worth it, it only causes additional stress – both emotional and physical.

2. Some people date/are married for 3 years and hardly know one another. Some date for 3 months and know more about each other than a couple married for 1 year! Use that knowledge – embrace what you know about the person that is good…remember what made you fall for them in the first place – those qualities are still there. You can build on that. Do you two laugh at the same things? I find that sharing the same kind of humor can work wonders for a relationship.

3. Don’t always try to “win” an argument. This isn’t a contest..this is your relationship – would you rather win the argument and lose your partner? When I fight with my mate, I always tell them, “I don’t care about winning and I don’t care who is right – I just want to get along so that I don’t lose YOU. So I will take the blame – put it all on me if you need to- that’s fine.”

4. Give them space if they need it – sometimes we don’t know when someone needs space and time, so it’s equally important that if that is what you need, share that.

5. Don’t give up. The first 2-3 months of dating are the honeymoon period. Starting in months 3 or 4, the real person comes out – you were probably initially dating their “representative”. You may even argue more…stick it out…it’s just like a marriage – after the honeymoon period (the first few months of marriage), you’ve got the “make it or break it” years ahead of you. It’s not easy and as we know, 50% of couples fail/get divorced. But try your best to hold on through the tough times. The federal government did some co-habitating and divorce research a few years ago – they found that the couples who weathered it out and stayed together after a barrage/series of difficult times and fighting, when they were past the hard times, they were a STRONGER couple. If you think about this logically, it makes perfect “common sense”, doesn’t it?

6. Don’t be so rigid and unforgiving -always give your partner the chance to make things up to you if they’ve wronged you – if they’ve recognized their error, sincerely apologized, and asked you to allow them to show you how committed they are to being a BETTER partner to you, how could this go wrong? They will either mess up again, or they will step up and treat you even better than they did in the past; my guess is that if there is genuine care, they WILL be better.

If you try to do all of these things, I think it’s a start at attempting to create a better relationship. And if you end up breaking up? Just go to number 5 and/or 6…anything to get to the “make-up” part, which, believe it or not, does wonders for you mentally, emotionally, and physically. The morning after the make-up, the sun ALWAYS shines brighter….you made it through the storm…TOGETHER.

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to UNDERSTAND. We listen to REPLY.” – Rabbi Shlomo and Rivka Slatkin

Monogamy – Is it Possible?

Posted in Dating, Let's be progressive with tags , , , , , , , , on June 16, 2014 by Sam

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I have been saying this for years…monogamy is NOT natural. I am going to get a lot of hate email about this, but that’s totally okay, because this is the truth and it needs to be discussed.

None of us are “naturally” monogamous, and it doesn’t matter whether we were born a male or a female – we weren’t born to be “naturally faithful”. We were born with the purpose of pro-creating, therefore, it is “natural” to want to have many partners.

While I will agree that women have the tendency to practice monogamy much more skillfully than men, we struggle with it, too. Come on, let’s keep it real…what is the innocent, “natural” flirting we women do all about? SEX for pro-creation!

To be clear, I am not saying that I condone infidelity in a relationship or marriage, because that’s far from the truth. What I AM trying to help people understand is that: 1. It is NATURAL to desire the member of the opposite sex and 2. Monogamy is a CHOICE…it is not natural! It is a choice you decide to make every single day when you wake up. I said this in another post – some days it will be easy to stay monogamous, and some days it will be hella-hard. But it can be done.

I’m just tired of unrealistic expectations that some people have. We live in a real world with real and “natural” feelings/emotions, desires, wants, and needs. But we CAN control our feelings – we can control ourselves. What we cannot control is other people, and it is unfair to attempt to do so via manipulation. And I am confessing that we women are very guilty of that kind of manipulation against men. We need to stop. It’s wrong and it’s not fair.

Look, the bottom line is, be honest. Be forthcoming about your needs and desires in a relationship. If you can’t be faithful or if it’s a bit of a struggle for you, what’s wrong with admitting that? Men are guilty of not being completely honest about their needs – not that I blame them, because we women can react pretty strongly to such topics. But being forthcoming gets you either two things – an understanding partner willing to work with you, or a partner who places demands and expectations on you that will be difficult for you to meet, which will always lead to problems and possibly the end of your relationship/marriage.

My point? As I wrote a few paragraphs ago, let’s start T A L K I N G with each other about this. It’s a start.

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