Archive for the “Love Letters” Series Category

LL Series Finale- Did We Re-Unite?

Posted in "Love Letters" Series on May 23, 2012 by Sam


I’m not angry or upset with The MIC for what happened. That wasn’t always the case. While yes, I was angry and upset in the past, I was much more disappointed, hurt, and sad about the way things ended up. Let me explain.

I spent many, many, many nights alone without him, wishing he was in bed with me. If I had the ability to do something normal like just picking up the phone to call him at random, it might have made things a bit more bearable. I spent 3 out of 4 birthdays without him as well as every holiday for the years I dated him…without him. It was very difficult, but I tried to keep my chin up about it, repeating over and over again in my mind, “It won’t be forever – one day, you’ll be able to be with him and be ‘normal’.” But that day never came. That was the sadness. The hurt came from never being chosen. While he may have initially chose to be with me, it was short lived because I chose to walk out on him and he couldn’t bounce back from that – I don’t fault him for that because what I did was hurtful – I’m sure that at the time he felt like it was him and I against the world, and I let him down at a very vulnerable time; and even though *I* knew I wasn’t going anywhere, I was wrong to walk out on him in his time of need and I felt much regret and remorse over what I did. The hurt came from me feeling like he never chose ME when he had the opportunities to do so after that time. He said he loved me, but everything and everyone else seemed to take priority – he left me and went back to his ex-wife. He left me a lot of the time when we had difficulties. He left me when I made a very poor decision that lead to a huge break-up fight – he just did not want to try and work that out. And, finally, he left me again for another woman whom he had been seeing much more seriously than he had lead me to believe. He left me even when he said I was his friend when he had his attorney send me a quasi-cease and desist letter because I wrote a letter to his girlfriend – he threw me under the bus like I was nothing. I’ve always thought that that situation probably made him and the girlfriend closer, just because of what he probably had to do to re-gain her trust and/or to assure her that she was “the one” – man, at one point in my life it would have hurt like hell to say or write what I just wrote! I experienced so much rejection from him that now, when I hear “No” – it’s as if I don’t even hear the word because I’m numb to rejection – rejection became a part of me. The rejection from him was far worse than any other I’ve ever felt because I really did believe in him – even when I started to dis-believe, I had hope, because I believed in the man he was and I believed him when he told me that what we had was special to him.

I did my share of damage to the relationship for sure. And I knew that back then – I only wanted him to give me a chance to make the damage and the mistakes up to him, just like I did for him every time, but he didn’t allow me that, and that’s where disappointment came in.

Just when I thought I was good, I ended up working in the same place as his girlfriend. She was even in the same half-day new employee orientation I was in and I was taken aback by her behavior, but I lived through it with the support of an acquaintance (now a friend) who was also there and saw what was taking place. But everything came to a head when she and I were both at a luncheon and the presenter, totally unaware of the situation, introduced his girlfriend as “______’s partner” to the attendees. After that lunch, I didn’t know what happened at the time, but I just lost it – I was a basket case, crying uncontrollably to the point where I ended up taking an extra hour for lunch – this is when that acquaintance became a friend. It took me a few months to realize that it was reality up close and personal – not just what I think may be going on, but the fact that he really and truly chose someone else after all of that love we had, and he had moved on to a whole entire new and very public life with her, which was something *I* had never experienced. And that was all I ever wanted to have with him- I wanted to have a normal, public, caring, happy, friends and family integrated relationship; I wanted him to have a real, first-hand experience of what being in a relationship that had immeasurable love, passion, friendship, and chemistry could be like: WITH ME. I will never be able to explain how painful that final reality was for me the day of that luncheon.

But it was also very good for me.

It allowed me to move on and start the process of forgiving myself so that I could *completely* forgive him because I thought I had forgiven him, but I had not done it completely. It was so hard to watch him go back to his ex and then go to this other woman, knowing I wanted to be with him sharing his world and happiness, but also feeling and knowing that I would have given my right and left arm to make him happy even if I couldn’t be the one to do it. I had to find a balance, and that incident helped me do that, and it allowed me to see the bigger picture about him, about the relationship, and about myself. I’m a stronger, BETTER woman now because of what I went through.

Where is Sam with all of this now? I respect him so much more than I did before – the time and space we’ve had helped foster that. Because of my current medical condition, I’m so very thankful to have experienced what I did with him even in the limited moments we had because I may not get the chance to experience anything like that ever again. I cherish and love the relationship we had, whether he loved me or not – it doesn’t matter what HE felt, I know where *I* was, and I was happy with him-at the end of the day, isn’t that all that really mattered? And, while, yes, I have missed the sex, regret the dreams, fantasies, and trips we didn’t get to do/go on, while I have missed the care – even the way he would bring me StarGazer Lillies for my bedroom, what I miss now (emphasis on NOW) is the friendship we had, and I miss all the fun and laughter we shared, so it makes the memories we created shine so much brighter – it makes the LL Series have so much more meaning.

Where is MIC with all of this now? I have no idea. I do hope that he’s living his life the way he wants to, no matter what anyone thinks and says about it! He told me that he’s happy, and I hope that’s the place he continues to be in.

Where are WE? I think, at the very least….

….we’re working on being okay with each other.

Lastly, I took some time to read the entire LL Series this afternoon, and I have to say…it’s a REALLY GOOD read, and most of it kept me smiling, and made me happy; I hope it did the same for all of you, and maybe one day, it will do the same for HIM, a.k.a., MIC.

Love Letter 30 – The End

Posted in "Love Letters" Series on May 17, 2012 by Sam

MIC didn’t tell me about the other woman, but I knew. After May 13th, I didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks. No email, no text, no call, nothing. I then realized that what we celebrated on the 13th was probably also a celebration with the person he was dating, but in a different way; in a way that would take their relationship to another level.  I wanted him to be honest and tell me – I asked him if he was serious or looking to be serious with anyone on the 13th and he looked me in my face and told me no.  So, when two weeks had passed, I sent him a text to ask him if there was something he wanted to tell me.  He said that there was something going on that he wanted to discuss with me but he never did.  I didn’t hear from him again for about another week, but he was my “go-to” person for certain subjects, so I text’d him to ask him about houses in N e w  O r l e a n s.  He answered me in a callous way, and I just couldn’t hold it in anymore – here I was, stifling the fact that he blatantly lied to me, still continuing to be his friend, still wanting his advice, and he came at me so negatively. So I told him what I knew.  He tried to brush it off.  So, then I said, “I know her name is ____ I know she lives by you. So fess up.” He asked, “Why can’t you leave me alone and let me live my life?” I answered, “If you don’t tell me the truth about what’s going on, I’m going to contact her and tell her about me.” He was calling my phone within 5 minutes.

We argued at first and I cried my eyes out about the lies he had told me over the past year- it was so bad that someone came outside and told me I sounded horrible. But then we REALLY talked, in a way that we hadn’t talked in a very, very long time. He apologized, which I appreciated and said he wanted us to be friends, and I told him I didn’t think it was possible or even feasible as I was an ex and he was in a new relationship, but mostly because he lied to me for so long and just like he didn’t trust me, now….I didn’t trust HIM. He wanted us to re-build our friendship and re-build trust, and I thought it was a good idea, as challenging as it would be, but I wasn’t sure I could commit. I asked for details on how a friendship between us would work – I mean, I already had issues with the fact that so much of our contact was impersonal because it was via email, we never spent any time together, etc.  He reassured me that he would do his best to foster the bruised friendship – that he’d call more, we could do lunch, meet for drinks, etc.  I told him I’d think about it.  I thought about it and then I wanted to see if he really meant what he said, if he was really committed to repairing our neglected relationship. I was going to be near him with my niece for a few days, so I told him I’d be nearby and asked him if we could meet. He said sure, let’s do lunch. I was pleasantly speechless: he meant it.  And I even text’d him once to see if he could talk – he was busy, but still made time to talk with me, I was impressed.  I went to meet him for lunch and we had a really good talk. At that time, it was very hard to be around him and not be sexually attracted- the attraction, for me, was still very strong. He did come on to me in a passive way, but I backed up away from him.  He was in a relationship that he wanted to be in, he didn’t choose me after all we had been through – I mean, I had never met his children and she already had. I think, at that time, that fact – about the children – was the most hurtful; it confirmed a thought that I used to brush off: he was never REALLY going to make me a part of his life.  I mean….the year before, when we were dating, he said after one year of serious dating, he would introduce someone to his kids, so either he was lying to me when he said that, or he was lying that he and this woman had just gotten serious. Whatever it was, I was crushed…I actually cried right in front of him. So, with all of that on my mind, that made it a little easier to back away from him….but I can’t lie, it was difficult.  It was a good four hour lunch. Lol.

We seemed to be getting along and he was treating me nicely, doing exactly what he said he would do. We discussed the possibility of taking a trip together, and then I started to feel weird – I didn’t understand what his angle was.  Was it me? Was it the sex? Was it that he just wanted a harem? Lol. I don’t know what was going on with him, but clearly, he wasn’t in a place where he should have been involved with anyone, including me – at least, that’s the Gospel according to Sam! I did ask him about it and I accepted his answer even though deep inside, I thought it odd.  I mean…..had he said, “Look, even though we broke up, I do still love you.  But now I’m in this relationship, and I care about/love her, too, and I don’t want to break up with her – but I also don’t want to not have you.”  While, yes, that sounds crazy, riding the fence, etc., it would have been honest, and I am SO DOWN for honesty – I would have understood that; it’s human to feel that way.  I didn’t get  him coming at me like that if it wasn’t about his feelings because if he just wanted some side-ass, he could have anyone – he probably didn’t think he could, but he’s handsome enough, funny enough, and smart enough to have any woman. And he had had sex with me at least……maybe 1000 times?  So that’s why had he said something along the lines of what I wrote 4 sentences up, I might have been ride or die on that because at that time, I had enough love left to be able to be on board with him about anything he wanted.

But, then, did he even know what he wanted? He seemed to be going back and forth on his feelings of being monogamous.  And, then, I didn’t hear from him for a few days and when I did, he seemed distant…perhaps they were getting closer or he was feeling guilty.  That same week, I received some news that caused me to believe something bad about him and I became so enraged that I sent his girlfriend a letter.  I did spare Mr. MIC the ultra-dirty secret I thought I had. He was so angry about what I did, you guys won’t believe what happened.  He actually took a legal action against me…..me, Sam, who had been there for him for four years….me Sam, who he said he loved once….me Sam, who kept all of his secrets for those years…..me, Sam, who he said was the only friend he had a lot of the time when he had no one else to talk with at 2AM. Whether what he did was warranted or not, I forgave him. It was a very long road to forgiveness for me – in my world…where I come from? You just DON’T do that. He WAS trying to play both sides of the fence but I’ll be a grown-ass woman and say that I shouldn’t have said anything to her, after all, HE was the one I had an issue with. But, to be honest, it wasn’t just THAT that I was angry about, I think I had residual anger from the way he lied to me over one year, and it all just came out. I was angry that he didn’t choose ME. And during our last heated conversation, he said to me, “I’m very serious about this woman.” I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. He had never, ever said that to me…and I’m pretty sure he never said that about me to anyone. Know why? Because he wasn’t ever REALLY serious about me. And somehow, I always knew that our relationship would end because it was a transitory relationship for him, but quite the opposite for me – for me, it was a real relationship that I wanted to last because I really did believe that we were a divine intervention- the connection that *I* felt all those years ago and until that time was too special and strong to be anything less than that.

So, that’s the end of this story. I was going to write another post – a reflective one, and discuss where I’ve been since then and what I think about what transpired from beginning to end. I decided to leave it to you guys….if you want to know these things, ask me to write about it: if I get 3 requests, I’ll write another post.

Love Letter-29 Part II Vanishing

Posted in "Love Letters" Series on May 15, 2012 by Sam

I love the title of this post – it’s so fitting and a great song by old school M a r i a h  C a r e y. We’re winding down to the end here….this post, which should have been number 30 and written on Sunday, May 13th (which was a significant day because it’s the last day I was with The MIC) was supposed to be the last post in this series.  But everything happens for a reason, and perhaps the fact that I wasn’t able to write on that day is symbolic…of what, I don’t know, but perhaps time will tell. There will probably be two more posts.

In the last LL, I discussed how I was in a particular state of being by myself and that MIC had started dating other people. It was an up and down time in MIC’s life- for reasons that I DID/DO understand. Even though I understood, sometimes, it was hard for me. I had to take a step back and accept the fact that he was dating other people and I had to be okay with that to  be able to be a friend to him.  I did my best, but in the midst of all of that,  I lost a child. I don’t think he knew/knows how painful that was for me, after I suffered the loss, that child seemed like he/she was our miracle baby because of the circumstances…losing him/her isn’t a feeling that can be articulated in writing – probably not even verbally. I will carry that feeling with me for the rest of my life.

At some point, he told me that he had started to date someone but it wasn’t serious.  By this time, I had actually grown used to the idea of him dating, and I was okay with it, I just wanted HIM to be okay with it…for my own reasons.  I didn’t think he was in a place where he should have been focusing on one person – I don’t know if I was right or wrong, it’s just how I felt about where I believed he was in life.  We were still seeing each other, and even though it was very “hook-up-ish”, I was still an ex that he was seeing and because we had yet to have a total and clean break from each other, I wondered about his ability to explore being exclusive with another woman.  Now, of course, I know that I can’t be his therapist, and I don’t want to be his therapist: he’s a grown-ass man, and he makes his own choices and decisions, and as a friend, it was my duty and obligation to support him, whether I agreed or not.  We had this sort of friendship thing, and we had this kind of sleeping-together thing, and I had a feeling that some of the women he was dating (or the woman he was dating) may have believed they were the “only” one, and I wasn’t too fond of that.  But I kept reminding myself that it wasn’t my business, especially because those were things he didn’t want to discuss with me…bigger than that, I wasn’t and I am not the “fidelity police”.

I tolerated a lot of things that I normally wouldn’t have tolerated – some of it was wanting to make things right with him in regards to the break-up the previous summer, but most of it was his situation- I didn’t want to add to his stress – he was going through so much and I had already let him down in the past. I knew that things were starting to get a little more serious with him and whoever he was seeing because we’d spend time together and I wouldn’t hear from him for days, sometimes even more than one week and when I would ask about it he’d say I could have reached out to him, too, he’d be ‘away’ for holidays- we would discuss going on trips (to New Orleans, and even to Jamaica) and he didn’t follow through on dates – he’d all of a sudden be too busy to go. But most of all, and the biggest reason why I knew there was someone else who was significant was because he was very different with me. Once, he did something that he had never, ever done: we were out having lunch, and he emailed (or text’d) on his phone the entire time we were together; I couldn’t believe how much he had changed – he was always…I mean ALWAYS, a 100% perfect southern gentleman.  So, I knew things were different. We ended up meeting  each other while we were both in Charlotte at the same time, and I asked him about where he was.  He told me that he enjoyed dating a few women but that he didn’t want to be serious or be close to any one woman.  I believed him, until the following month when we were spending time together and he said something very interesting to me. We were laying up in the jacuzzi like we always used to do and I had decided that I was going to buy a house.  We were discussing it because the house was not too far from where he lived.  He told me that he wanted to make sure that if we were to run into one another on the street and I saw him with another woman that I wouldn’t freak out.  There was more to that conversation, but I don’t wish to go into detail.  And then he kept asking me if I was sure I was going to move there, and when.  I knew the relationship he was in became even more serious when he stopped asking to see me as often, but I had already decided that I wasn’t going to see him if he asked – he did ask to see me a time or two after I made that decision, and I declined. Once I asked him if I could crash at his house and he told me that I couldn’t for a reason that I knew wasn’t really true – I think he had forgotten that he used to tell me a lot of things about his job and people that he knew.  He wasn’t wrong to tell me that I couldn’t crash at his house, but because we were friends, I did expect him to at least tell me what was going on.  But he continued to say he wasn’t serious with anyone.  I ended up finding out that that wasn’t exactly true.

A friend of mine came across a newspaper article and she sent the link to me – it was a photo of MIC with another woman at a very formal event.  The photo was about one year old, but he had told me that that trip was about him visiting colleagues and a sibling….clearly, this woman was no sibling, and not a colleague.  I was HOT that he wasn’t forthcoming with me more than I was upset about him being with someone else – I just didn’t get WHY he couldn’t tell me the truth after all we had been through together..I had kept so many of his secrets, I felt like his living and breathing diary sometimes (I mean that in a very good way). I kept thinking “Are we not friends? Don’t we always tell each other the truth even if it hurts – isn’t that all I ever asked of him?”  I felt like…okay – at one time, all I wanted was HIM- that’s all I ever asked him for, and since I couldn’t have him, the only other thing I ever asked for was for him to be brutally honest with me even if it was going to be uncomfortable.  After I saw that photo, I wanted to curse him out so badly, but I didn’t.  I did some research and I found out that the woman in the photo had moved to his area (no wonder I couldn’t crash at his place!). I was spent.  So THIS was the woman that he didn’t want me to ‘freak out’ on if I saw him in town had I bought that house. I said nothing to him for weeks. And while I still believed he should have kept dating a few women as opposed to being in a relationship, something else took precedence: I wanted so badly to know that he cared about me as a friend – I wanted to know that after all we had been through, that he would be up front with me, even if it would take him some time to work up the nerve to do it.  I asked him so many times if he was seeing someone and if there was something he wanted to tell me.  Every time, he said no.  He even met with a friend of mine for lunch in Texas, and she told me that he told her that he wasn’t interested in any relationship with anyone for the foreseeable future…I guess that was all for me so I wouldn’t suspect anything. I was so hurt.  He really wasn’t going to tell me.

And then May 13th came around, and we spent some time together.

A photo of my name that MIC sent me a few days before May 13th.

We had never, EVER had ‘bad’ sex between us, but on THAT day, I have to be honest…it was the first (and only) time that I ever ‘faked it’ with him.  He was so…distant. He showed zero emotion – it was almost like he was just going through the motions, and I had never been the recipient of such sexual behavior from HIM. And that’s when I knew – that’s when everything came full circle for me: he either had deep feelings for someone else, or he was  into this woman as I was ‘old news’, I was no longer exciting to him – new women/semi-new women and sex from new/semi-new women are huge turn-ons for men. And something else happened that I hadn’t ever realized before in my life, and I have definitely dated a cheater in the past: there is no way that MIC could 1. love or care deeply for a woman and then 2. cheat on that woman because if they are REALLY emotionally connected, SHE WILL KNOW THAT HE HAS BEEN WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND THAT HE HAS FEELINGS FOR THE PERSON. If I ever told MIC that, he probably would not believe me – many men probably wouldn’t, but I am telling you – and women, you know this….there are some men that in this exact scenario, YOU JUST KNOW. And, with this knowledge, we were done. Because without that emotional connection between us, sex was just not the same. I’m not saying that the emotional connection was lost on MY end, because it wasn’t, it wasn’t as strong as in the past, but it was still there to a degree….MIC was no longer emotionally connected to ME.  There’s actually some good that could have come out of that. No, I’m not crazy. Lol.  The thing is…if he ever really did love me, that emotional connection he used to feel was simply buried and covered up with other feelings…if he ever really loved me, eventually, those emotions would resurface at some point in his life. I don’t know if they ever did or ever will since I am not The MIC and I don’t know what his true and genuine feelings were (and I won’t be so bold as to guess)- I am simply stating what I know to be a confirmed fact.

I don’t want to make it seem like I was an innocent party and that I never did anything wrong in that situation, or to MIC.  Further, I don’t want it to appear as if none of  the arguments we had was never my fault – I wasn’t innocent and I was at fault plenty, trust me! But I can’t tell his story as I don’t know it all…it’s more important for the reader to know that my focus is not on who’s more to blame  (and I will say right here that I was probably more to blame for the issues) or to debate who won arguments because in the end, we BOTH lost something.  So ladies, take some advice from me: if you love a man, don’t try to WIN every fight because you might LOSE that man…don’t create a fight, create peace – choose to foster and make love, not destroy it.

See you tomorrow night. Quote:

We keep the numerous fights clean and the bedroom stays ‘dirty’!” Actor Kevin Bacon’s answer when asked, “Name one important thing that keeps you and your wife together.”

Love Letter 29 – Part I-When you’re in l o v e by yourself

Posted in "Love Letters" Series on May 15, 2012 by Sam

In the last post, I discussed the catalyst for the ending of the relationship between MIC and I.

I didn’t think I’d ever speak with him again, and it was a rough summer for me – probably worse than the summer when I was 8 and my punishment for not doing well in school was to stay in my room the entire summer. The only thing I could do for my own sanity and my broken heart was to stay in prayer, and it helped.  In a lot of ways, that situation made my spiritual life even stronger than it  was before. I prayed for strength for myself, I prayed for MIC to have peace and to be comforted. I did try to reach out to HIM a few times but he did not want to speak with me and I don’t blame him because he was right that I wasn’t acting like I was responsible for what happened and that I wasn’t coming at him in a way that showed any remorse.  Interestingly, when we had the “relationship” talk while things were good, I had applied to a professional certificate program at a grad school that was near where he lived and I was accepted; it was my way of slowly transitioning a permanent move to his area, allowing him time to do what he needed to do, allowing me to get used to that area…it was also a way for us to get to spend time together much more often.  And then I had to make a choice: now that we’re not together, do I still go to school? I decided it was a good career move, and even though it would be painful, I started the class. After a couple of months, I mailed MIC a handwritten apology. Some time after that, I asked if we could have lunch to talk because I didn’t feel comfortable with us breaking up via a text message – I felt that out of respect for the relationship, we should have a live, in-person conversation.  He didn’t want to. I told him that I still wanted us to be friends and he didn’t want to do that, either. I pleaded with him to think about it, and he asked me to give him 30 days to think about it.

I left MIC alone for the entire time and contacted him on the 31st day.  I asked if we could meet since I would be in his area for class. He declined.  We actually ended up seeing each other while I was there.  It was….weird seeing him again.  Not in a bad way at all. I guess because of everything that had happened.  We did have a good time.  But, then he sent me a letter that was so crass – it was about how he wanted our new ‘situation’ to be.  At least, at that time I thought it was crass, now I find it hysterically funny….and what he wrote in that letter to me, I probably should have agreed to it and not amended it – for ME, I would have been much better off.  Because the very thing that should not have happened, happened.  My feelings for him were rekindled. And there was a stretch of time in there where we were getting along so well.  I was re-reading some old notes about it, and back then, we marveled at how well we were getting along as at one point, we hadn’t had any resemblance of a fight in 6 weeks.  And then it was the holidays, which found us spending time together,  He even picked me up from the airport and paid my bus fare to go home.  That Christmas, he gave me some of the best sex of my life; it was the first time I had more than 20 orgasms back to back: amazing, isn’t it? But I was in trouble because I was falling in love with him again and I was scared because I knew he wasn’t in a place where he could be with anyone…I also knew that he wasn’t going to choose to be with ME after what happened over the summer as he still didn’t believe anything about that situation.  I tried to feel him out to see where he was, but he was all over the place. And I really shouldn’t have pressured him because that wasn’t fair, even though it wasn’t my intent to make him feel pressured.

We spent a little time together on New Years Day, and doing that meant a lot to me. He was feeling like my friend again. We made plans for me to spend  a day or two with him- we were going to go to the gym together, to the mall, and then he was going to make dinner.  I ended up getting into traffic and I ran late – I couldn’t find him in the gym, I was hungry, and somewhat irritated. We ended up having a fight. And, I have it written in my old diary that we were getting along so well and it seemed like MAYBE we could overcome our issues/the big ‘summer’ fight, but after this last fight, he was different and the connection we were subconsciously rebuilding was gone.

But….

…we continued seeing each other casually. About 2 months after the fight happened, a friend of mine called me and told me she thinks she saw MIC on M a t c h.com.  She said he didn’t have any photos, but it sounded like him, so I asked her to read his profile to me.  And, as she read it, I started to quietly cry. It WAS him. I had already known he wasn’t going to be with me, but hearing what I heard just made it worse. My heart was breaking again, but this time, it was at a very slow pace.

I’d like you all to know that while yes, this part of the story is quite sad, I don’t feel sad about it today. With everything that I’m going through personally, I’m actually appreciative to have experienced what I did with him in that relationship because it really was a special kind of love, and I’m grateful to have had his friendship: when he needed to be, he was truly a very good, supportive friend….my best friend.  I remember that once back then, he told me that if I ended up in the hospital, that wherever he was or whatever he was doing, he’d make sure to find his way to be with me – and I did believe him because even if he didn’t love me, that’s the kind of man he was – that’s the kind of friend he was to me.  So, I can’t be sad about the past – I celebrate it, which is why I’m writing about it, especially now, more than ever.

I’ll try to post something later tonight. Quote:

To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart.” Phyllis Theroux.

Love Letters Update

Posted in "Love Letters" Series on May 14, 2012 by Sam

My sincerest apologies for my absence. Sometimes life steps in and that has been the case over the past few days, which have been pretty rough for me. However, I won’t go into hiding like I did before; I do intend on finishing the series as I think that is a better way of handling things. I will do my best to have something up later today, and if I don’t, it will be up tomorrow when I’m feeling well enough to write. I am actually thinking very hard about starting a blog about what’s going on in my life as I think it could help others and I will let you all know if I decide to do that.

Thank you to the few people who contacted me to see “what happened” – it’s really nice to know that there are still people in this world who care, even if it’s just because they enjoy reading this blog.

🙂

Love Letter 28 – Part II: The End of the Rough Road

Posted in "Love Letters" Series on May 10, 2012 by Sam

I actually had to have a drink before I sat down to write this post so I hope there aren’t many errors- if there are, just send me a note and I’ll be sure to correct it/them- I don’t think I have it in me to proofread this once I get to the end.

Okay.

On the day that my friends and I were supposed to be leaving to spend a few days near MIC, he received an email from me that wasn’t meant for him.  The content of the email alluded to an escort/ call girl setting up an appointment to meet with a client. No, the escort was not ME. However, MIC thought it was, and I’m not going to make any excuses.  I can sit here and try to explain it to all of you just like I tried to explain it to HIM, but I don’t think it would do any good; it was what it was, and what it was was deceitful and shady…I can admit that. For a long time, I was angry with him for not believing in me, not having faith in my character, and not believing that I loved him and what we had too much to do something like – every one of those places was the wrong place for me to be in.  Instead of being defensive and making excuses for my lack in judgement, I should have backed away and allowed him the time and space he needed to digest everything, but I was all caught up in my, “how could you believe/think that about me?” when clearly, I gave him the perfect reason to think that!  I will share a story with you:

I have a very good guy friend and I told him this story. He became angry with me. He said, “First of all, if you were MY girlfriend, I would have kicked your ass, seriously – what were you doing? I mean, I know you have a little crazy in you, but that whole thing is beyond crazy! Second thing – you sound guilty to ME because you’re sitting there being all defensive and that’s the wrong position to take. Stop making excuses – I don’t want to hear all of that.  No man would want to hear all of that – you might even be right – maybe you couldn’t have been certain places, maybe you really were working at your job everyday, yeah – maybe you can even prove all of that with hard evidence, I get it. But we don’t want to hear that then! And you’re not acting like you’re remorseful, you’re acting like you’re the person who’s right in this and YOU ARE NOT, YOU’RE DEAD WRONG, PERIOD. Now….*I* don’t think you have it in you to do that, but I’m not the man who was f*ucking you, so I have a different way of viewing it – I can be a little bit more objective than he can.  But, dog – I can see why he wouldn’t believe you – you need to change your attitude about it. You’re wrong – what you did was shady, plain and simple.  Own it and stop making excuses.”

I was VERY angry with him to say the least – I felt like he wasn’t on MY side- he was supposed to be MY friend.  It took about one year after that conversation for me to “get it” – he was 100% correct: I was wrong.  And, yes, I was acting defensive. I was also taking the position of, “How dare he believe that” when, yes,  he had every reason to believe what was in his face.

And while I’m admitting that I was the one in the wrong and that my approach to the entire situation was not the correct one, it didn’t lesson my pain. I just felt like…..I felt like if we were going to break up and it was going to be all my fault, then at least….let it be because of something I REALLY did, not because of a misunderstanding or because I was shady, deceitful, or ambiguous.  But, maybe, maybe those things were reasons to end our relationship, too. I couldn’t blame him for that if it was. However, it did hurt that it wasn’t something he was willing to look past and at least make an attempt to work on. Perhaps it was the excuse he needed to permanently end things. Maybe it was simply all he could do at that time for his own peace of mind. I can’t speak for him. All I know is that I wanted him to be able to forgive me, I wanted confirmation that he meant what he said during the dinner conversation we had that summer on the lake- I wanted confirmation that no matter what, he would fight for me and fight for us like he promised….because again, all that we had been through, and that big secret he had just confessed to me 2 weeks prior would have all been in vain if he didn’t put up a fight. All I wanted was for him to love me in at least the same way he loved his ex-wife…to love me enough to leave….and come back.  But he never came back.

Of course I wanted him to come back – I loved him, and I wish he knew how much I did. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and so AWFUL that I had hurt him when he was already going through some major life changes.  It seemed as if every time he needed me to come through for him, through my own actions, I let him down, every single time. That couldn’t have felt good to him.  And, so, in many ways, I do understand the choices and the decisions that he made when it came to me. As I wrote a few sentences ago, I wished that his love and desire to be with me was stronger than the hurt and disappointment he felt….but maybe…maybe I didn’t deserve to have those things.  I want you all to write to me and tell me what you think about this.

It took some time for us to start speaking after that incident, and when we resumed speaking, and even seeing each other on a casual basis, there were times when it felt like we were close again, but it was never the same; he didn’t love me anymore.  I’ll tell you all about the last two years of that ‘relationship’ between tomorrow and Sunday night’s last post in this series.

I think I’m happy that I’m off to Argentine Tango dance class to let off some steam because  this was very difficult and painful to write.  See you tomorrow night.

Love Letter 28 Part I – Rough Road Ahead

Posted in "Love Letters" Series on May 9, 2012 by Sam

MIC and I were in a very good place at this point.  He was coming to spend the weekend with me at my new apartment (I had to get out of the old one – it had rats!) and we planned a cook-out at my mom and dad’s house; he was going to meet some more of my family and friends.  My family was excited…my friends were happy for me, it seemed like everything was falling into place.

One of the evenings he was with me was the day Michael Jackson died – it was sad for us as we are fans of his.  But we had a great night – he cooked one of my favourite dinners that he makes-risotto, and some kind of dessert that was like crepes with strawberries and whipped cream – it was GOOD.  We listened to music on his iPod while he prepared dinner and we talked and laughed.  He told me something that was so sweet and endearing about a playlist on his pod that I still remember it today…no, I don’t want to share what it was, sorry, guys- some things I have to keep between him and I! We sat at the table, he in his required wear, me in my pink nightie, and we continued conversing and laughing….with wine added to the menu. It was one of those nights when I drank a tiny bit too much and I was a little bit freakier than normal; I’m pretty sure I said some raunchy things that I don’t remember! Lol.

In the morning, we ended up having a very deep, intense discussion that left us both feeling melancholy. When he came back that evening, he wanted to leave and stay somewhere else.  I thought that was ridiculous, and besides, we had plans that involved other people the next day.  He was not having it – there was nothing I could do or say – he was leaving. And then he began saying that we should breakup yet again, that he needed to take one month off to think because he wasn’t in a place where he could be a good partner to me. I was….flabbergasted. We had gone through so much, and I could NOT understand where he was coming from.  Yes, he was going through some things and may have even needed some space, but I thought *we* were good. I mentioned our plans at my folks’ house and he didn’t really seem to care. All of a sudden, I went from feeling sad, helpless, and unable to help him, to just sheer anger.  I felt like he had me on an emotional roller coaster.  So, I wouldn’t let him leave. I blocked the door with my body, and held on to his suitcase. I felt humiliated, stupid, and embarrassed  for believing in him – for telling my friends and family we were having this get-together, and now he wasn’t showing up. He was blowing everything about our situation out of proportion. We struggled like that for awhile – half of it was me remembering him saying he wished I would have stopped him from leaving in the past, and the other half….I just didn’t want him to leave like THAT.  It seemed so harsh and we had been in such a good place – I wanted to fix it, and I was frustrated that he wasn’t allowing us to fix it.  Obviously, I was going about “fixing it” the wrong way, but I felt…..dare I say……desperate? I couldn’t think of anything else to do.  And then he said something to me that was so profound.  He confessed to something that he had promised me two years prior that he would NOT do  – that he wasn’t doing.  And he threw that in my face.  I was shocked, I was speechless – my heart stopped for a few seconds. I let his suitcase go and I moved out of the way.  I was spent.  And, I was hurt….he wasn’t forthcoming with me about something that was VERY important to me – something I told him that I wanted no part of, yet he made me the center of it.  I had never felt so much guilt in my life.  When he left, I sat on the couch and I cried until I was sick.  I didn’t eat anything…I went to bed crying…and sick.  It was an awful time.  And MIC was angry with me for violating him by standing in his way and holding on to his luggage- he was angry with my aggression.  He asked me to talk with a therapist before he would see me again, and I did.  As a matter of fact, I spoke with two- just to please him and show him that I was always willing to do what it takes to make *us* work; if something was wrong with ME, if I had anger issues or boundary issues, I was willing to address them and fix them. At that time, I would have done anything for him and our relationship.  Most of all, I was sorry for hurting him, and I apologized as much as I could; I was remorseful about the way I behaved…and I realized that if I hadn’t behaved that way, I would have never learned what I did, and I probably would have been better off because it’s not something I wanted to know; knowing that, made it worse if we weren’t going to end up being together – it would have all been in vain.

We talked through things and we were almost okay when my friend TLC and I were heading over to spend the weekend near MIC.  The plan was for all of us – her, her kids, another friend of mine, MIC, and his friend, to get together.  He and TLC even planned to take her children on a special tour and her kids were very excited about it. That get-together never happened, and the kids’ tour never happened. Something far worse did…something so awful that nothing I have written in this LL series that’s bad can compare to it.  That will be Part II, and it’s going to be really, really rough for me to discuss. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, and I didn’t think about this part when I decided to tell this story, but if I’m going to tell it, I should tell all – the good and the bad.

See you guys tomorrow night.

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