Archive for the Let’s be progressive Category

The most desirable man…

Posted in Dating, Let's be progressive on February 17, 2015 by Sam


…He can’t make ANY woman happy!

There are two types of men who can’t make a woman happy – men who will always be attractive to most women but they can’t really give women what they need outside of the bedroom.

Most Desirable Man #1: The Charismatic Guy (think Bill Clinton)

He’s got a great sense of humor, he’s super smart, educated, comfortable in his own skin, passionate, reliable, good behind closed doors…one of the guys that everyone knows is a decent man. But, he’s selfish. Because while he cares about you and what you may have to say, he cares about about what he says and thinks more; life is on his terms exclusively, and the day he doesn’t get his own way, he will start to seek out a woman who will allow him to have his own way (and he might begin seeking her BEFORE he breaks up with you!): this is the charismatic man, this is what they do.

So what is the make-up of a man who gets his own way, or else? He works often and late, can hardly talk on the phone because he’s SO busy, he travels frequently, doesn’t formally commit to anything serious/long-term with you – doesn’t make concrete plans for things more than a few weeks in advance.

He’s great at everything he does, though.

Except relationships.

Know why? Simple: the only person he wants to be accountable to is himself.

Most Desirable Man #2: The Man who needs to find himself (or trying to find himself)

He’s ambitious, funny, sweet, and most importantly, he always does his absolute best to please you and make you happy. But…

….he’s fundamentally unhappy himself. He puts his freedom above everything. He struggles to maintain friendships. Hell, he’s still struggling over his last relationship. He just has STUFF going on emotionally and/or mentally all the time, and sometimes, these men are great at hiding this from the women in their lives.

Both of these men are bad relationship bets. Out of all of the men I know, probably 75% fall into one of these categories, so there’s a lot more men in these two groups than we think….if we really stop and think about it.

If you are with such a man, please stop wasting your time on being with a man who only has the potential of becoming something to you that he is not and will more than likely never be: your husband.

I’m going to challenge you to stop defending these men and making excuses for them. I know, I don’t know him and I don’t understand, but….if you were offered the job of your dreams and had to work for 8 years without pay before getting your first paycheck, would you take the job? HECK NO. Not when there are other jobs which may not be your “dream” job, but they may be exciting, nevertheless! Being with a man in one of these two categories is like working without pay, hoping for your payday to really come.

Ladies, you deserve better…so CHOOSE BETTER PARTNERS – choose a man who truly wants to commit to you if commitment is what you want.

*Nov 2nd, 2011

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Fighting-Breaking Up…Is Your Relationship Worth Keeping?

Posted in Dating, Let's be progressive with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2014 by Sam

Staying Together

Part I – Is the Relationship Worth Keeping?

Are you shaking your head “YES” to at least 7 of the following:

1. You have fun together

2. Your Partner is One of Your Favorite People

3. They still have the ability to give you butterflies

4. You’re both communicating

5. You’re open with each other

6. You’re willing to work through any/all problems

7. You’re not attracted to anyone else (yes, you can still find people attractive…but do you feel an urge to PURSUE the attractive person?)

8. You can be yourself

9. You can grow together and you both can learn things from each other

10. You actually don’t really want to be WITHOUT them in your life in some way – it would hurt if they couldn’t be a part of your life

Taken from the article: Is Your Relationship Worth Keeping

Part II – Fighting

Fighting with your partner can be difficult, nerve-wracking, and stressful. Unfortunately, even the nicest couples we see who we think get along famously…they fight, too. It’s inevitable: two people with two different personalities, life experiences, and needs/wants are entwining their lives – it’s not easy, especially if you’re over 35 and set in your ways. Let’s not forget all of the possible “drama” you went through with relationships prior to that age!

Here are some tips to help with fighting:

1. Frequency doesn’t matter – but how you deal with each other AFTER the fight is what counts. Don’t be spiteful, don’t keep grudges or malice, just let it go…it’s not worth it, it only causes additional stress – both emotional and physical.

2. Some people date/are married for 3 years and hardly know one another. Some date for 3 months and know more about each other than a couple married for 1 year! Use that knowledge – embrace what you know about the person that is good…remember what made you fall for them in the first place – those qualities are still there. You can build on that. Do you two laugh at the same things? I find that sharing the same kind of humor can work wonders for a relationship.

3. Don’t always try to “win” an argument. This isn’t a contest..this is your relationship – would you rather win the argument and lose your partner? When I fight with my mate, I always tell them, “I don’t care about winning and I don’t care who is right – I just want to get along so that I don’t lose YOU. So I will take the blame – put it all on me if you need to- that’s fine.”

4. Give them space if they need it – sometimes we don’t know when someone needs space and time, so it’s equally important that if that is what you need, share that.

5. Don’t give up. The first 2-3 months of dating are the honeymoon period. Starting in months 3 or 4, the real person comes out – you were probably initially dating their “representative”. You may even argue more…stick it out…it’s just like a marriage – after the honeymoon period (the first few months of marriage), you’ve got the “make it or break it” years ahead of you. It’s not easy and as we know, 50% of couples fail/get divorced. But try your best to hold on through the tough times. The federal government did some co-habitating and divorce research a few years ago – they found that the couples who weathered it out and stayed together after a barrage/series of difficult times and fighting, when they were past the hard times, they were a STRONGER couple. If you think about this logically, it makes perfect “common sense”, doesn’t it?

6. Don’t be so rigid and unforgiving -always give your partner the chance to make things up to you if they’ve wronged you – if they’ve recognized their error, sincerely apologized, and asked you to allow them to show you how committed they are to being a BETTER partner to you, how could this go wrong? They will either mess up again, or they will step up and treat you even better than they did in the past; my guess is that if there is genuine care, they WILL be better.

If you try to do all of these things, I think it’s a start at attempting to create a better relationship. And if you end up breaking up? Just go to number 5 and/or 6…anything to get to the “make-up” part, which, believe it or not, does wonders for you mentally, emotionally, and physically. The morning after the make-up, the sun ALWAYS shines brighter….you made it through the storm…TOGETHER.

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to UNDERSTAND. We listen to REPLY.” – Rabbi Shlomo and Rivka Slatkin

Monogamy – Is it Possible?

Posted in Dating, Let's be progressive with tags , , , , , , , , on June 16, 2014 by Sam

monogamy-isnt-natural copy

I have been saying this for years…monogamy is NOT natural. I am going to get a lot of hate email about this, but that’s totally okay, because this is the truth and it needs to be discussed.

None of us are “naturally” monogamous, and it doesn’t matter whether we were born a male or a female – we weren’t born to be “naturally faithful”. We were born with the purpose of pro-creating, therefore, it is “natural” to want to have many partners.

While I will agree that women have the tendency to practice monogamy much more skillfully than men, we struggle with it, too. Come on, let’s keep it real…what is the innocent, “natural” flirting we women do all about? SEX for pro-creation!

To be clear, I am not saying that I condone infidelity in a relationship or marriage, because that’s far from the truth. What I AM trying to help people understand is that: 1. It is NATURAL to desire the member of the opposite sex and 2. Monogamy is a CHOICE…it is not natural! It is a choice you decide to make every single day when you wake up. I said this in another post – some days it will be easy to stay monogamous, and some days it will be hella-hard. But it can be done.

I’m just tired of unrealistic expectations that some people have. We live in a real world with real and “natural” feelings/emotions, desires, wants, and needs. But we CAN control our feelings – we can control ourselves. What we cannot control is other people, and it is unfair to attempt to do so via manipulation. And I am confessing that we women are very guilty of that kind of manipulation against men. We need to stop. It’s wrong and it’s not fair.

Look, the bottom line is, be honest. Be forthcoming about your needs and desires in a relationship. If you can’t be faithful or if it’s a bit of a struggle for you, what’s wrong with admitting that? Men are guilty of not being completely honest about their needs – not that I blame them, because we women can react pretty strongly to such topics. But being forthcoming gets you either two things – an understanding partner willing to work with you, or a partner who places demands and expectations on you that will be difficult for you to meet, which will always lead to problems and possibly the end of your relationship/marriage.

My point? As I wrote a few paragraphs ago, let’s start T A L K I N G with each other about this. It’s a start.

Why Women Sleep With Men on the First Date

Posted in Dating, Let's be progressive on June 11, 2014 by Sam

he_said_she_said-firstdatesex

Edited on 6/16/14 to add: This post is for people who claim to be seeking a relationship. This does not apply to people looking to casually date; totally different, and sleeping on the first date is, of course, appropriate and allowed if that’s what you’re seeking!

I was talking with a girlfriend of mine the other day, and we decided that over the age of 35, when a woman sleeps with you on the first date, it’s for two reasons only:

1. She’s securing a future with you because she can see that you are financially stable (this goes for broke women as well as women who have money/a good job/career).

2. She has low standards and/or possibly low self esteem.

Look, we aren’t judging. We’re simply calling it like it is. And what this is is quite simple. It’s subtle MANIPULATION .

When you reach a certain age, it’s not JUST about sex – you can get sex anywhere, any time as a woman. So when a woman meets a man and she’s interested in a possible future with him, there’s no reason not to take it slow and get to know him, make sure you truly like him, and make sure that he reciprocates the feelings BEFORE sex. Unless there’s a hidden agenda – you’re in a hurry to get married, have children, have someone take care of you, etc.

We’re not calling women “WHOR-Ena” (this is a “Sam-ism” and is pronounced hor-eena) when we say “low standards”. We recognize that the modern and common trend is to sleep with a man right away to secure your spot. But if you’re secure in yourself and who you are – if you value yourself, you can wait. How many men will you have to sleep with on the first date before you realize that this is not the way to secure your future with a man?

Please remember that we are speaking of women over the age of 35. And, of course, there are always exceptions – sometimes the chemistry is just right and things happen – people even end up married. But this is not the norm. So, ladies, take your time, and men….you were warned, so B E W A R E of that first date sex!

Interesting note:
100 men were polled and asked if they would keep dating the woman if she had sex with him on the first date. 90% of the men over 35 stated no, they would look at her differently, while 10% said yes-if the chemistry was there and they clicked in that way immediately, they would continue to date her, stating that this was much more rare than the norm.

Married for 86 Years: Learning from The Oldest Living Couple

Posted in Dating, Let's be progressive on June 4, 2012 by Sam

Photo Credit: DL Anderson.


Mr. H e r b e r t Fisher has passed away since the article was written, but he was married to his wife Z e l m y r a for an astonishing 86 years!

They discuss what makes a marriage solid: friendship, commitment, and the decision to stay together no matter what because divorce was never an option. I don’t like to say “I told you!”, but this is what I have discussed in so many posts on this blog, isn’t it?

Here is their interview:

1. What made you realize that you could spend the rest of your lives together? Were you scared at all?

H & Z: With each day that passed, our relationship was more solid and secure.Divorce was NEVER an option – or even a thought.

2. How did you know your spouse was the right one for you?

We grew up together & were best friends before we married. A friend is for life – our marriage has lasted a lifetime

3. Is there anything you would do differently after more than 80 years of marriage?

We wouldn’t change a thing. There’s no secret to our marriage, we just did what was needed for each other & our family.

4. What is your advice to someone who is trying to keep the faith that Mr. Right is really out there?

Zelmyra: Mine was just around the corner! He is never too far away, so keep the faith – when you meet him, you’ll know.

5. What was the best piece of marriage advice you ever received?

Respect, support & communicate with each other.Be faithful, honest & true.Love each other with ALL of your heart

6. What are the most important attributes of a good spouse?

Zelmyra: A hard worker & good provider.The 1920s were hard,but Herbert wanted & provided the best for us.I married a good man!

7. What is your best Valentine’s Day memory?

Zelmyra: I cook dinner EVERY day.Herbert left work early & surprised me – he cooked dinner for me! He is a VERY good cook!

Herbert: I said that I was going to cook dinner for her & she could relax – the look on her face & clean plate made my day!

8. You got married very young – how did u both manage to grow as individuals yet not grow apart as a couple?

“Everyone who plants a seed & harvests the crop celebrates together” We are individuals, but accomplish more together.

9. What is your fondest memory of your 85-year marriage?

Our legacy: 5 children, 10 grandchildren, 9 great-grandchildren, and 1 great-great grandchild.

10. Does communicating get easier with time? How do you keep your patience?

The children are grown, so we talk more now. We can enjoy our time on the porch or our rocking chairs – together.

11. How did you cope when you had to be physically separated for long periods of time?

Herbert: We were apart for 2 months when Z was hospitalized with our 5th child. It was the most difficult time of my life. Zelmyra’s mother helped me with the house and the other children, otherwise I would have lost my mind.

12. At the end of bad relationship day, what is the most important thing to remind yourselves?

Remember marriage is not a contest – never keep a score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win

13. Is fighting important?

NEVER physically! Agree that it’s okay to disagree, & fight for what really matters. Learn to bend – not break!

14. What’s the one thing you have in common that transcends everything else?

We are both Christians & believe in God.Marriage is a commitment to the Lord.We pray with & for each other every day.

They Tweeted until the very end – how awesome is THAT?
You can find the article on this page.

*Reprinted from YourBLackWorld.net

What L o v e Looks Like: B a r a c k & M i c h e l l e

Posted in Dating, Let's be progressive on May 11, 2012 by Sam

I needed to write a “pick me up” post, and what better way to do that than to discuss the obvious love, chemistry, friendship, and connection between Mr. and Mrs. O b a m a.

Ladies – and men, too – pay special attention to how B a r a c k always leans into his wife; look at the body language (I actually took a class in this -far rom an expert, but I know a lil’ sumthin’ sumthin’ as M a x w e l l says!)  Then, look at his eyes – look at how he looks at M i c h e l l e.  You can tell a lot more about body language from men than you can from women in photos- the scientific reason? Men don’t pretend that way- they can’t hide what they feel. Ready? Let’s go:

Look at how he’s looking at her.

If a man doesn’t look at you like ^that^  from time to time, trust me – he’s not that into you. Notice he leans towards her as well.

K i s s number 1.

He is always kissing her! ^ And look at his hands – see how he is holding her hand…by her wrist? That’s intimate. And he leans into her.

K i s s number 2.

Aha! It’s the endearing forehead kiss.  ^ Notice his left hand .  Do you see how intimately he is holding her close to her neck? He’s slightly squeezing her at the same time. And, again, his body leans into her.

There goes that “lean” again!

Now look at this one –  ^ look how his entire chest is leaning towards her – look at how his pelvis is tilted toward her.  In body language theory, that pelvic tilt  means he is sexually attracted to her. That’s hot, isn’t it?

He has loved her for a long time. I’ll have to go old school to show you.

Look deeper.

Notice his ^ right leg turned toward her….now look at his left hand on her left thigh: Intimate. Now, M i c h e l l e is very reserved in her photos – she shows a lot of restraint.  Look at how she crosses her legs away from him.  But she’s a woman and we are much more complex and therefore difficult to read in photographs.  But she loves the heck out of him, too – I will show you how I know this via a photo…keep looking (smile).

Awww…Look at them!

Another old school photo ^ – look at how his right hand is on his hip – that shows he knows he’s a man of authority. Although his upper torso isn’t leaning much towards her, his head is – he is making his cheek touch her forehead and his hand is between her neck and her shoulder which is much more affectionate than just having his arm around her shoulder. He’s really into her.

Look at his arm.

She loves her some him. 🙂

Now look at the first photo how he has his arm around her. In the second one, she is ^ leaned into him and so comfortable that she’s either fallen asleep or just relaxing.  She might be plain tired – but look at HER body language now that she’s let her guard down. Notice how his hand has moved down and is around her waist. Remember I told you that I would show you how much she loves him? Do you notice where she’s sitting? A woman who loves her guy will always, on cue, sit BESIDE her boo when she can, never ACROSS from him. Remember in my L o v e L e t t e r series how I always sat next to MIC?  Well – there you have it….now you all have a real life example of why I used to do that.  She’s just as into him as he is into her. Balance: l o v i n g it.

Don’t settle people. If you want to be with someone, shoot for what the     P r e s i d e n t  and The F i r s t  L a d y have: undeniable and visible chemistry, respect, and love. Even if you’ve never experienced similar love and connection in a relationship,  after looking at these photographs and analyzing them, would you even want to settle for less?

This is why this last picture is so profound – it shows where they are with each other and all of the above is combined into this one “pound”.  It has love and friendship in it – they are saying, “Together, we got this, and no matter what, I GOT YOU.” Nuff said.

In my world, giving someone a pound is a big deal. What the heck is a ‘f i s t b u m p’, anyway?

I leave you all with a fitting quote:

Long as I know you got me, I’ll be loving you long time.”                         M a r i a h C a r e y’s song ‘L o v i n g you long time’.

Do you have to be in love for a relationship/marriage to work?

Posted in Dating, Let's be progressive on April 20, 2012 by Sam

Every single time! (Well...in SAM's world!)

This question has been debated by myself and a few people I know over the past few weeks, so I decided to post about it.

So….CAN a marriage/relationship survive if both people in the marriage/relationship aren’t in love?

The answer?

It depends.

Hysterically FUNNY Sidebar: Truli, one of my friends said this when asked the question, “Do you want to wake up next to someone and say, ‘Hey, honey, can you get me a glass of water?’ And then have mediocre morning sex, or do you want to wake up next to a different person and say or hear, “Damn, girl – I love you AND you’re hot as hell – come sit over here!” Oh, my goodness – I almost died laughing.

Whew, okay – end of sidebar. Let’s get personal for a minute.

Me, SAM? I’ve tried it both ways. Being in a relationship when I was NOT really in love and being in a relationship because of love.

I was okay in the relationship where I was not in love (it’s so WRONG to say “I love you” and not REALLY mean it!). He was a good man, he was good to me, we had a good time when we were together. I liked him a lot.  But after a while, I was bored. I was bored because I wasn’t enthusiastic about the relationship – I was okay with it.  If we were together, that was cool, if we weren’t, that was cool, too.  I had someone to go out with, attend important functions with, to share holidays with if I wasn’t near my family, we shared pet responsibilities, and I had someone to have regular sex with, and the sex was….regular, all the way around – it served it’s purpose.  After some time, I realized I was cheating this man, and most of all, I was cheating myself. I was cheating him because he wanted something serious and long-term and after dating for a while, I knew I didn’t want that with him.  I could have had it with him and I would have been okay, but I didn’t want to be just “okay”. I was cheating myself because I was settling. I am the type of person who wants love in a relationship – it keeps me motivated and makes me go above and beyond because I really want to go above and beyond! So, now that I’ve experienced both, I know who I am in regards to relationships. However, I will say this: being in that relationship that was all about companionship was very good for me.  Because it showed me that I CAN be in a relationship and not be in love with the person. But it also showed me that just because I CAN, that doesn’t mean it’s going to make me feel happy and fulfilled because it didn’t make me feel either of those things – I was content.  For a while.  And then when I remembered how wonderful being in love is and what that means for me in my life – mostly, how much BETTER I am at everything when I have love, I realized….THAT is what I want. So, there you have it. I am the type of person who in a relationship, needs to be in love with my mate and I need my mate to be in love with me in return. The relationship for companionship allowed me to experience personal growth, so I thank that man for giving me that opportunity; he really is a good guy.

So, now, let’s get down to business.

What is YOUR reason for being in a marriage/relationship?  Is it to raise children?  Is it to share a home?  Is it for companionship?  Is it for social and/or business appearances?  Is it a combination of the aforementioned?  Is it because you fear something – being alone, disappointing your partner/spouse or maybe failing at the relationship/marriage? Is it for love?

Once you have clearly defined what your reasons are for being in a marriage/relationship, you then have to make sure that those reasons fit your characteristic and personality profile.

What does THAT mean? Lol.  One of the people in the debate asked that question.

What it means is this:

The case for NOT being in love- If you are the type of person who by nature, has always been okay with companionship and you don’t have a strong desire to be emotionally bonded with and connected to a person which allows for a higher level of intimacy and you aren’t interested in having that kind of intimacy, then, no, you don’t need to be in love with your spouse or partner. You will be happy with a good, decent person whom you have a good time with, spend your holidays with, do family things with, basically, share life with. That’s all you need to be completely happy.  And, if you try to do it the other way – with those intense feelings of love and emotional intimacy, it may freak you out – those things are just too much and/or too emotionally charged for this kind of a person. And if you end up with a partner who is in love with you and you are not in love with them in return, your life is going to be complicated because, really, can you tell him/her that you love them but aren’t “in love” with them?  Of course not! It will hurt their feelings.  And then the “living a lie” begins.  Not good for anyone. I have seen this happen and people can go for YEARS living like this: someone always ends up getting hurt.  So, if you don’t need to be in love, find a partner who is like-minded – that’s your best bet for the kind of life that you want. And, if you know you are the type who deep-down-inside desires love and you’re stifling yourself by taking part in a relationship where you aren’t really in love with the person, just see below for what could and will happen!

The case for being in love-If you are the type of person who by nature, has always loved the idea of being in love and has always desired to be in love with their partner, then you will need to be in love with them to be completely happy. If this kind of person chooses a marriage or relationship where the priority is everything BUT love, they will feel a sense of loss from time to time and/or may feel that something is missing in their life (or marriage/relationship) but they can’t put their finger on it. What’s missing for these kind of people is a love that they’ve always wanted deep down inside. And if they’ve ever experienced being in love, any partner they end up with will never be enough because that person won’t compare to the person they loved or the emotionally intimate feelings they experienced.  And, of course that would happen, because….. they aren’t in love with their spouse/partner! And, if only one person is in love – ooo!! That is going to be a problem.  Because whether the partner in love admits it to their partner or not, that person will know that he/she is not completely “there” with them and will do one of two things: 1. Go into “I will do and say ANYTHING to keep her/him in my life” mode and do/say outrageous things or put up with outrageous behavior or 2. Settle for the scraps they get from their partner and just keep quiet/keep the status quo.  And the partner who isn’t in love? They are either going to cheat or eventually…..leave – both may take years to happen, but it WILL happen. Just bad all around.

Have you experienced what I have – have you gone on a mission of self-discovery to see where you fall into these two categories? And, what do you think – do you agree with our general consensus that if you innately desire to be in love, then BOTH PEOPLE need to be in love in a relationship/marriage for it to work?

Some additional information:  The age range of the folks in this debate are people aged 40 to the unbelievable age of 92, all of them have children except two, and all of them have been in (and some still are) married or in a serious, long-term relationship.  They all have education beyond high school. The line of work of some of the debaters: education, IT, medicine, non-profit, law officer, attorney. A few of them are very into church or are religious/spiritual. Two were reverends and one of the reverends has his own practice in marriage therapy. Two of them are therapists with a social work background -another is a psychologist; all three are in private practice- one person’s practice is children/teenagers, the other two are in practice for family and marriage counseling.  Races: every single race was represented in this group. Gender: about 60% men and 40% women. I mention all of this so one can see how diverse this group is.

Thanks for reading, guys – I’m off to post on Twitter and Facebook; see you tonight for “Love Letters”.

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