Archive for the Dating Category

Trump, The Election and Men Dating Who?

Posted in Dating, Miscellaneous, My Thoughts on Current Topics with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2016 by Sam

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We had a fight. On election night. Over something trivial and petty, something that typically hasn’t happened, especially since we reconciled two months ago.

It was 10PM EST, and some results had come in. Unbeknownst to my significant other, I was beginning to feel that lull in the pit of my stomach that something scary was about to happen. Something that could change my life.

But how do I explain that to him, this man whom I love, who is not only white, but just doesn’t “get it”? Even though he overcame a racist upbringing, has been married to a woman of color, and has bi-racial children…he still doesn’t “get it”. And no matter how much he may love one of us, including ME, he never will understand:

1.How it feels to be a WOMAN in this seemingly misogynistic world.

2. How it feels to be a black woman (“well traveled”, “educated”, “upper middle class”, “mixed”and in the words of Beyonce, “Becky-with-the-good-hair”, be damned…none of this matters when you are born highly melanted).

3. How it feels to be black in this country, the United States of America.

4. How it feels to be black.

5. Black.

Why doesn’t he get it? How could he not know that my frustration in the grocery store, trying to find something to eat was not about food? How could he not know that I was beginning to implode with FEAR? Defeat? Hopelessness? He sat right next to me and watched the polls; could he not hear my internal screaming? “No! Please, God, NO. Not Trump. I’ll give anything for a Romney now if one of the other candidates can’t make it happen!” Couldn’t he feel my worry? Not just for myself, but my father, my brothers, my friends, my family? My worry about HIS CHILDREN? Weren’t we supposed to be in synch with one another? Yes, I was wrong to pick a fight, but doesn’t he understand WHY?

Maybe I’m “too black” for him. Maybe I’m just too aware. How can I not be about something that touches my life (less often) or the life of those I love (more often) on a daily basis?

Is it that, for SOME, that this “privilege” is so embedded that they suffer from “racial arrested development”? That even when you can love a man or a woman of color that you simply do not have the ability to understand our insecurities that are founded in 400 years of prison followed by fifty plus years of division, in which we are still barely fifty years separated from?

Doesn’t he love me enough to “get it”? Does love have anything to do with it? Tina?

Can this be fixed for ANY couple going through these kinds of uncertainties and pain the day after without deep, introspective, brutally honest conversations?

I don’t know.

But…I also don’t have the privilege of “getting” what it is to be white, either, and I never will.

Gentlemen: if you are dating or married to a person of color (Black, Latina, etc.), a person who is of a different culture or faith (insert Muslim here) today, make sure to hold her, tell her you care, and that you support her. That you stand with her. Even if she is being silent. Your hugs, words, and support are so needed right now – she needs you to be understanding…right now. Talk to her – ask her if she is okay and how you can support her. Watch her glow…and then melt in your arms.

As for the next few days and weeks, I know we will all come together.  In the meantime, there’s a new flick out about an interracial marriage and how they fought to be together in the 1950’s, and won in Superior Court – this law stands today. Yes! All is not lost, with hope. Maybe he and I can go see it.

And then talk.

 

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9 Years Ago Today…

Posted in Dating, Miscellaneous with tags , on August 28, 2016 by Sam
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Couple Kissing at Sunset — Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

…I washed my hair that morning and put it in a high pony tail where the tail flowed all the down to the area of my back that lies between my shoulder blades. I wore a black skirt with a white flower embroided on the thigh. My  form fitting tank top and blazer matched the white sling back pumps with black heels I had on my feet. I sprayed “Hypnotize” by Dior into the air and walked through it…then looked in the mirror. The pink glossed lips on the make-up free face of a young lady whom anyone would have thought was 21 years old looked back at me. But I wasn’t 21. I was 31 and in love: the glow of love, and the happiness that emanated from that fabulous love was my fountain of youth.

With a nod of approval and a slight smile, I turned to grab my pocket book, walked through my front door… I practically skipped over to my SUV. I jumped in without hesitation to make the 4 hour drive.

I drove all the way to my destination without stopping, singing songs like, “Is This Love” by Bob Marley on the way, my hands slapping the steering wheel in rhythm; head dancing along with my body.

And then I arrived in his town, at his job…both for the very first time.

Quickly, my lover came to greet me. He opened the driver’s door and I stepped out  to stand face to face with him, or rather, face (mine) to chest (his).

He simply smiled and looked down at me with his dancing brown eyes. He did not immediately say anything. I smiled back. And then he said, “You are a beautiful woman.”

I hugged him and thanked him, squeezing him with all of my gentle might- my arms around his waist and my eyes closed tightly…I kept holding on. I didn’t ever want to lose that moment.

What both of us didn’t know then was that it wasn’t what I was wearing or how I did my hair that made me pretty or beautiful or a goddess, as my lover frequently called me. It wasn’t the youthful genes of my mother and her ancestors flowing through my veins. It was something my grandmother said to me that morning as I visited her.

“I don’t know who or what that man’s name is, but you have to keep him.” I asked her why. She answered, “I’ve never seen you look as beautiful and happy as you do now. Never, ever. But every woman should look this beautiful at some point in her life and not just on her wedding day.”

So to the man who gave me that stunningly beautiful day where I believed I truly was beautiful and completely loved for who I am, as you looked through me- beyond the shallowness of outward beauty and into my soul: thank you for August 28th, 2007.

The love of a good man really can change you inside out…literally. And positively.

The most desirable man…

Posted in Dating, Let's be progressive on February 17, 2015 by Sam


…He can’t make ANY woman happy!

There are two types of men who can’t make a woman happy – men who will always be attractive to most women but they can’t really give women what they need outside of the bedroom.

Most Desirable Man #1: The Charismatic Guy (think Bill Clinton)

He’s got a great sense of humor, he’s super smart, educated, comfortable in his own skin, passionate, reliable, good behind closed doors…one of the guys that everyone knows is a decent man. But, he’s selfish. Because while he cares about you and what you may have to say, he cares about about what he says and thinks more; life is on his terms exclusively, and the day he doesn’t get his own way, he will start to seek out a woman who will allow him to have his own way (and he might begin seeking her BEFORE he breaks up with you!): this is the charismatic man, this is what they do.

So what is the make-up of a man who gets his own way, or else? He works often and late, can hardly talk on the phone because he’s SO busy, he travels frequently, doesn’t formally commit to anything serious/long-term with you – doesn’t make concrete plans for things more than a few weeks in advance.

He’s great at everything he does, though.

Except relationships.

Know why? Simple: the only person he wants to be accountable to is himself.

Most Desirable Man #2: The Man who needs to find himself (or trying to find himself)

He’s ambitious, funny, sweet, and most importantly, he always does his absolute best to please you and make you happy. But…

….he’s fundamentally unhappy himself. He puts his freedom above everything. He struggles to maintain friendships. Hell, he’s still struggling over his last relationship. He just has STUFF going on emotionally and/or mentally all the time, and sometimes, these men are great at hiding this from the women in their lives.

Both of these men are bad relationship bets. Out of all of the men I know, probably 75% fall into one of these categories, so there’s a lot more men in these two groups than we think….if we really stop and think about it.

If you are with such a man, please stop wasting your time on being with a man who only has the potential of becoming something to you that he is not and will more than likely never be: your husband.

I’m going to challenge you to stop defending these men and making excuses for them. I know, I don’t know him and I don’t understand, but….if you were offered the job of your dreams and had to work for 8 years without pay before getting your first paycheck, would you take the job? HECK NO. Not when there are other jobs which may not be your “dream” job, but they may be exciting, nevertheless! Being with a man in one of these two categories is like working without pay, hoping for your payday to really come.

Ladies, you deserve better…so CHOOSE BETTER PARTNERS – choose a man who truly wants to commit to you if commitment is what you want.

*Nov 2nd, 2011

Controversial “Sex” Conversation

Posted in Dating on August 31, 2014 by Sam

*Originally Published 8/31/2012

I recently had a conversation with a male friend of mine, and the conversation turned into a question and answer interview about his thoughts on my ideas about relationships.

Some history: He’s a good looking man in his mid-forties, 3 children, divorced twice, co-habitating with his current partner. He’s college educated, professional, and like myself, has held executive corporate positions at a few prestigious companies. And his vocabulary….I want to say that it’s almost on the s a p i o s e x u a l level!

He asked me how important sex is to me in a relationship- what percentage it makes up, and I answered, “About 50% of the relationship.” He then asks me if it’s a deal breaker if it’s “bad”, is that the end of the situation for me? I explain that by the time we get to sex, I’ve already done my “weeding out” based on incompatibilities in level of intelligence, spirituality, finances, and a solid foundation of friendship; those things all have to be solid for me to even feel sexually “provoked”. Now, if it’s bad…yeah, probably NOT going to work. Call me shallow, but, yes, sex IS that important to me. It’s an extension of how I feel about someone – I express how I feel with my body and my spirit when I sleep with a man. If he can’t satisfy me, if our libidos aren’t similar (mine is high), if sex isn’t just as important to him as it is to me, yes, that’s a problem. I know who I am in that regard and I am not trying to stifle myself- I don’t compromise on spirituality, friendship, and finances, and I sure as hell don’t compromise with physical intimacy. So, yes…bad sex is a no-go.

He then asks me how long it takes for me to get to sex because it seems like a long time! I said, “I don’t put limitations or time frames on things like that. When people have great chemistry together, it can take one week – or it can take four months or one year…it really depends. I am not one of those women who subscribe to the ‘Steve Harvey’ theories – frankly, I didn’t like the book ‘Act like a lady, think like a man’ – I found it to be manipulative and playing games….if a guy wanted a women to behave like a dude and think like a dude, he would DATE a dude – I’m all about living in my feminine energy – if a man is attracted to a woman, that’s what he wants…femininity…and that’s where I live.” My friend was surprised. He said, “Wow. That’s a great comment and a good way to think – you’re right – when we date women, that’s exactly where we are.” We then discussed that we weren’t ‘hating’ on Steve and that we’re all for him making money…..but, he’s capitalizing on women’s insecurities. I don’t know about my friend, but for ME, that’s just not cool. I did, at least, enjoy his book as a movie!

Based on our shared view, I then told him that I wanted to ask him some questions and he agreed to oblige me by answering. Here are the questions and answers:

Me: What do you think about the fact that I think – depending on the situation and couple, if a man likes variety, makes it known and the woman is okay with him being “openly sexual” – hey, I don’t have a problem with it – am I weird?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: I have a few girlfriends who are up in arms about the fact that if I’m committed or married to someone and we are practicing monogamy, but he steps out sexually from time to time because he’s already told me that he likes varietyI knew what I was getting myself into by dating someone like that, so if I marry him, I’m cool with it. He can go out there and do what he does as long as I don’t find out about it…but if I do, I’m competitive, anyway, and I’m just going to try to f*ck him better than she did! (laughing)
Him: Really? I don’t think you’re weird at all. I think you’re realistic and ahead of your time. At some point, women will stop being unrealistic about men and catch up to where you are. But remember, there are some women out there who are just like men – they like variety, too, and are out there “creeping”, too!
Me: You better watch it now before you get in trouble thinking that way!
Him: (laughing) So you’re cool with your partner running down to DR (Dominican Republic) for a few days to go do his thing, huh?
Me: Heck no – I didn’t say all of that! If he’s on a business trip and he dabbles while he’s gone – I better not find out about it, but if I do, he’ll just come back to my sexual wrath! (laughing)
Him: Do you know….we spend much less time with the people we say we love and care about and so much more with other people – at work, for example – we are getting to know other people and we are “relating” with them, getting to know them. It’s only natural that sometimes, yes, there may be a click and you’ll get to know someone and begin to feel attracted to them…again, because we spend so much time away from those we love.
Me: Omg – that is the damn TRUTH! We DO spend more time with other people! So – I have another question for you – why don’t you marry your partner since you guys have already been living together for one year?
Him: We’ve been dating for 3 years and living together the last year. We are both okay with where the relationship is- we’re good. I could marry her. Or maybe in 5 or 6 years I’ll feel differently. We’ll see. But marriage is a big deal. You have to be financially, mentally, and emotionally prepared for it.
Me: Yep – that’s why *I* don’t want to be committed right now- I’m not there emotionally 100% – I’m still working on getting there- working through my hurts, even though mentally and financially – I’m SO there. So, you got married for love, right…so do you mind if I ask- why did you get divorced?
Him: The first time was for something else – the second time, yes…definitely for love. But after 7 years, we knew that it just wasn’t going to work because our goals were different at that point so we parted amicably. She’s a good woman – a very good woman, and if she meets someone whose goals are the same as hers, she’ll make some man a great wife.
Me: That’s really great to hear a man say that about his ex – you really don’t hear that often at all. (totally admiring him)
Him: Yes. So that is why I’m saying that I’m not in a rush to get married – marriage is a great thing, but you’ve got to be sure and you’ve got to be prepared for it.
Me: So – you asked me about sex as a deal breaker – what’s your deal breaker?
Him: Definitely finances. That’s what happened in my last marriage – I believe in building wealth and using money as a tool…umm….she didn’t.
Me: Oh. I can understand. That’s the main reason why I ended my 12 year co-habitating relationship. (I have a wise grandmother who explained to me that my love for my partner couldn’t “fix” how horrible he was with money and that we’d always have issues because of it).
(On reflection, I now want to know if they tried counseling or if they tried to work their finances out before they divorced – making a mental note to ask him).
Me: So, you think I’m shallow about the sex thing?
Him: Oh, no – you have your standards and then the sex part comes later – I get you. It’s just that *I* have never, EVER – had a problem in that department with any woman, and I have never met a man who had issues with his wife regarding sex – divorcing because of that – for the quality or quantity.
Me: Really?? Wow – that’s crazy – I have a few guy friends who quote sex as being the main problem besides money in their marriages! They never complain before – it’s always after! (laughing). Do you think that women change after they get married? I hear a lot of men say that.
Him: Sometimes, yes, their personality can change.
Me: I have to do some research on that – another friend of mine told me that it wasn’t just the personality, it was the sexual pattern, so I asked him if sex was good before and he said yes, but they just didn’t have much of it after the “I dos!” Which I find to be quite odd…if the woman truly likes sex, right? Weird.
Him: Yeah – I personally didn’t have that problem.
(Another note to find out more about this ^ from him)
Him: We need to write a book.
Me: Yes, we should, right? We need to tell people, ‘Look – THIS is how you do relationships – THIS is realistic and works for the long term – learn from our mistakes!’
Him: You know, at the end of the day, it’s all about being authentic and transparent – you have to have that in a relationship or it’s just not going to work – you have to let people know who you really are.

We continued our conversation but I want to end here because what he said is so wise – and it’s so profound: If you can’t be transparent and let your partner/spouse know who you are and where you are….with money, with your career, with monogamy, with SEX….you’re just doomed for failure. And failure doesn’t have to come quickly, it can take years of just trying to play the part and trying to “be polite.” Don’t worry about being polite – worry about creating a truly happy life that is HONEST and AUTHENTIC!

Fighting-Breaking Up…Is Your Relationship Worth Keeping?

Posted in Dating, Let's be progressive with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 25, 2014 by Sam

Staying Together

Part I – Is the Relationship Worth Keeping?

Are you shaking your head “YES” to at least 7 of the following:

1. You have fun together

2. Your Partner is One of Your Favorite People

3. They still have the ability to give you butterflies

4. You’re both communicating

5. You’re open with each other

6. You’re willing to work through any/all problems

7. You’re not attracted to anyone else (yes, you can still find people attractive…but do you feel an urge to PURSUE the attractive person?)

8. You can be yourself

9. You can grow together and you both can learn things from each other

10. You actually don’t really want to be WITHOUT them in your life in some way – it would hurt if they couldn’t be a part of your life

Taken from the article: Is Your Relationship Worth Keeping

Part II – Fighting

Fighting with your partner can be difficult, nerve-wracking, and stressful. Unfortunately, even the nicest couples we see who we think get along famously…they fight, too. It’s inevitable: two people with two different personalities, life experiences, and needs/wants are entwining their lives – it’s not easy, especially if you’re over 35 and set in your ways. Let’s not forget all of the possible “drama” you went through with relationships prior to that age!

Here are some tips to help with fighting:

1. Frequency doesn’t matter – but how you deal with each other AFTER the fight is what counts. Don’t be spiteful, don’t keep grudges or malice, just let it go…it’s not worth it, it only causes additional stress – both emotional and physical.

2. Some people date/are married for 3 years and hardly know one another. Some date for 3 months and know more about each other than a couple married for 1 year! Use that knowledge – embrace what you know about the person that is good…remember what made you fall for them in the first place – those qualities are still there. You can build on that. Do you two laugh at the same things? I find that sharing the same kind of humor can work wonders for a relationship.

3. Don’t always try to “win” an argument. This isn’t a contest..this is your relationship – would you rather win the argument and lose your partner? When I fight with my mate, I always tell them, “I don’t care about winning and I don’t care who is right – I just want to get along so that I don’t lose YOU. So I will take the blame – put it all on me if you need to- that’s fine.”

4. Give them space if they need it – sometimes we don’t know when someone needs space and time, so it’s equally important that if that is what you need, share that.

5. Don’t give up. The first 2-3 months of dating are the honeymoon period. Starting in months 3 or 4, the real person comes out – you were probably initially dating their “representative”. You may even argue more…stick it out…it’s just like a marriage – after the honeymoon period (the first few months of marriage), you’ve got the “make it or break it” years ahead of you. It’s not easy and as we know, 50% of couples fail/get divorced. But try your best to hold on through the tough times. The federal government did some co-habitating and divorce research a few years ago – they found that the couples who weathered it out and stayed together after a barrage/series of difficult times and fighting, when they were past the hard times, they were a STRONGER couple. If you think about this logically, it makes perfect “common sense”, doesn’t it?

6. Don’t be so rigid and unforgiving -always give your partner the chance to make things up to you if they’ve wronged you – if they’ve recognized their error, sincerely apologized, and asked you to allow them to show you how committed they are to being a BETTER partner to you, how could this go wrong? They will either mess up again, or they will step up and treat you even better than they did in the past; my guess is that if there is genuine care, they WILL be better.

If you try to do all of these things, I think it’s a start at attempting to create a better relationship. And if you end up breaking up? Just go to number 5 and/or 6…anything to get to the “make-up” part, which, believe it or not, does wonders for you mentally, emotionally, and physically. The morning after the make-up, the sun ALWAYS shines brighter….you made it through the storm…TOGETHER.

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to UNDERSTAND. We listen to REPLY.” – Rabbi Shlomo and Rivka Slatkin

Monogamy – Is it Possible?

Posted in Dating, Let's be progressive with tags , , , , , , , , on June 16, 2014 by Sam

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I have been saying this for years…monogamy is NOT natural. I am going to get a lot of hate email about this, but that’s totally okay, because this is the truth and it needs to be discussed.

None of us are “naturally” monogamous, and it doesn’t matter whether we were born a male or a female – we weren’t born to be “naturally faithful”. We were born with the purpose of pro-creating, therefore, it is “natural” to want to have many partners.

While I will agree that women have the tendency to practice monogamy much more skillfully than men, we struggle with it, too. Come on, let’s keep it real…what is the innocent, “natural” flirting we women do all about? SEX for pro-creation!

To be clear, I am not saying that I condone infidelity in a relationship or marriage, because that’s far from the truth. What I AM trying to help people understand is that: 1. It is NATURAL to desire the member of the opposite sex and 2. Monogamy is a CHOICE…it is not natural! It is a choice you decide to make every single day when you wake up. I said this in another post – some days it will be easy to stay monogamous, and some days it will be hella-hard. But it can be done.

I’m just tired of unrealistic expectations that some people have. We live in a real world with real and “natural” feelings/emotions, desires, wants, and needs. But we CAN control our feelings – we can control ourselves. What we cannot control is other people, and it is unfair to attempt to do so via manipulation. And I am confessing that we women are very guilty of that kind of manipulation against men. We need to stop. It’s wrong and it’s not fair.

Look, the bottom line is, be honest. Be forthcoming about your needs and desires in a relationship. If you can’t be faithful or if it’s a bit of a struggle for you, what’s wrong with admitting that? Men are guilty of not being completely honest about their needs – not that I blame them, because we women can react pretty strongly to such topics. But being forthcoming gets you either two things – an understanding partner willing to work with you, or a partner who places demands and expectations on you that will be difficult for you to meet, which will always lead to problems and possibly the end of your relationship/marriage.

My point? As I wrote a few paragraphs ago, let’s start T A L K I N G with each other about this. It’s a start.

Why Women Sleep With Men on the First Date

Posted in Dating, Let's be progressive on June 11, 2014 by Sam

he_said_she_said-firstdatesex

Edited on 6/16/14 to add: This post is for people who claim to be seeking a relationship. This does not apply to people looking to casually date; totally different, and sleeping on the first date is, of course, appropriate and allowed if that’s what you’re seeking!

I was talking with a girlfriend of mine the other day, and we decided that over the age of 35, when a woman sleeps with you on the first date, it’s for two reasons only:

1. She’s securing a future with you because she can see that you are financially stable (this goes for broke women as well as women who have money/a good job/career).

2. She has low standards and/or possibly low self esteem.

Look, we aren’t judging. We’re simply calling it like it is. And what this is is quite simple. It’s subtle MANIPULATION .

When you reach a certain age, it’s not JUST about sex – you can get sex anywhere, any time as a woman. So when a woman meets a man and she’s interested in a possible future with him, there’s no reason not to take it slow and get to know him, make sure you truly like him, and make sure that he reciprocates the feelings BEFORE sex. Unless there’s a hidden agenda – you’re in a hurry to get married, have children, have someone take care of you, etc.

We’re not calling women “WHOR-Ena” (this is a “Sam-ism” and is pronounced hor-eena) when we say “low standards”. We recognize that the modern and common trend is to sleep with a man right away to secure your spot. But if you’re secure in yourself and who you are – if you value yourself, you can wait. How many men will you have to sleep with on the first date before you realize that this is not the way to secure your future with a man?

Please remember that we are speaking of women over the age of 35. And, of course, there are always exceptions – sometimes the chemistry is just right and things happen – people even end up married. But this is not the norm. So, ladies, take your time, and men….you were warned, so B E W A R E of that first date sex!

Interesting note:
100 men were polled and asked if they would keep dating the woman if she had sex with him on the first date. 90% of the men over 35 stated no, they would look at her differently, while 10% said yes-if the chemistry was there and they clicked in that way immediately, they would continue to date her, stating that this was much more rare than the norm.

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