Archive for the Cheating Series Category

You Asked, I’m Answering

Posted in Cheating Series on August 24, 2012 by Sam

This photo is in no way related to this post, but I decided to put it in here because I found it….interesting and slightly comical.


I’ve received a few messages asking me when I’m going to post the other things I mentioned in this cheating series post. I’m not sure when I’m going to get around to it because quite a few friends have been asking me to do a sex series – and they’ve been asking me for about 3 years now, so I’m going to buckle down and do it as I can see that some women REALLY need it! When I have leisure time, I will write in the cheating series, but my focus will be helping women (and sometimes men).

I’ve also received messages which included questions from the Cheating Series post Coping Methods, about the affair I was in. The main question that was being asked was exactly HOW I coped. Sigh. To answer that required me to dig up some old emotions, and it took me a few days to work up the nerve to go there specifically – the “coping” aspect of it. Because the emotions/memories were not bad…yes, a few were down right sad, and that’s the part I wanted to avoid – but for the most part, they were actually pretty happy memories. And sexy. And H O T.

How I coped? Well, in the beginning, it was great. I knew my place, and knowing my place as his mistress allowed me to know how to “be”, I knew that allowing my feelings to grow beyond what they were would be a dangerous thing for me and that I would end up hurt. A long time ago, I was very angry with him for giving me “hope” that a genuine relationship could have been the end result between us because at one point he became separated from his spouse, but I was wrong to be angry with him about that. *I* was the one in control of my own feelings/emotions, all he did was treat me with care and respect…he treated me, in all honesty, like a queen – and I’m not playing that up, he really did. So, it was easy for me to be carried away by my emotions. I did, however, give him many chances to bail on me and he let me know that he knew what I was doing. He didn’t bail. So, I ended it when I realized that I was approaching a dangerous emotional place of no return….but days later, I RESUMED the relationship because of those same feelings! How frickin’ ironic is THAT? So the affair continued…for some time. Whenever I was in the mistress frame of mind, I functioned very well and was happy…whenever I felt like I was not a mistress but an actual girlfriend and that there was hope but that hope was being “challenged” or possibly taken away, I was….probably a bit difficult to deal with, I imagine.

There are people who have been in very brief affairs and those who have been in affairs for many years; the latter are exceptions to the rule. I know that during the time my affair was going on, I SO wanted us to end up like Charles K u r a u l t and Patricia Shannon. For those of you who don’t know who they are, Charles was a married CBS news anchorman married for 35 years and Patricia was his long time mistress and companion of 32 years-until he died. He bequeathed her their beloved love-nest on his death bed, put her children (from a previous relationship) through college, etc., etc. You can read all about their affair here. It’s clear that although he wouldn’t leave his wife, he loved Patricia, and she loved him. And this is what I wanted my affair to be like since I couldn’t REALLY be with my affair partner, and I was, believe it or not, prepared to be his mistress forever. Was I in love or just crazy? After years of reflection, I know the answer, but I’m not telling! Lol. I’m certainly not condoning or encouraging anyone who’s married to be in an affair, nor am I encouraging women to become involved with a married man. But, the brutal truth is that for some strange reason this type of situation really does work for some people, and if one of my readers chooses to embark on such an endeavor, well, at least I can give you some tools to assist you on your journey….tools I learned through my own very personal experiences. I’m not sure if I was being asked how I coped because the people asking are in affairs themselves, but, here’s some solicited (I think!) advice from Sam:

If you are a woman and you are going to be in an affair, KNOW YOUR PLACE. Don’t ever forget it. The minute you realize you want MORE than what you are currently getting from him, run. Run fast and far away…because in the end, wanting more is what’s going to be your relationship’s death sentence, and it’s a S L O W death! Maintain that underlying friendship and enjoy your time together for what it is and nothing more – doing that is what worked for me and was exactly how I coped, and for the periods of time when I was NOT doing that, the gentleman I was involved with would become annoyed with me and the relationship would suffer during those times. If you are the man in the affair, this is how you should treat your mistress: treat her as you would any friend – with respect, it is very important that you never give her any kind of hope for something different if you know for a fact that you’re never leaving your spouse (or maybe you just don’t see HER as a potential partner/spouse). Lastly, remember that every once in a while she may crave a normal relationship and if she tells you this, immediately tell her she is free to do so – do it without jealousy, and without making her feel guilty for wanting such a thing- then wish her well and let her go in peace if that’s what she truly wants. To both of you: if you’re able to, take breaks away from your “regular life” together – I can honestly say that those breaks really strengthened the bond we had; being away from the constraints that he had…having his undivided attention gave us the best times of our relationship. I may not be in that situation anymore, and the end was painful, but with that experience came a tremendous amount of knowledge and growth as a person and woman, but mostly, I came away from it with many, many wonderful memories – and I don’t care what anyone may think of it, and I don’t care if it’s right or wrong – I have absolutely no regrets because I did what I truly wanted to do.

Maybe this isn’t the answer you guys were looking forward to, but, hey, I answered! (smile)

Come to me in my dreams, and then by day I shall be well again! For so the night will more than pay, the hopeless longings of the day.Longing by Matthew Arnold.

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Cheating is Rational

Posted in Cheating Series on August 21, 2012 by Sam


Really, it is! What, you’ve never heard of two people in a monogamous relationship who also have an open sexual relationship? Sure, you have – I casually mentioned this exact type of situation in a previous “Cheating Series” post – I wrote that we should be open and honest about our sexual desires, wants, and needs in a relationship/marriage. And, here comes E r i c A n d e r s o n, sociologist and author of, “The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating” – backing up my theory how being open and transparent in a relationship is important. I have been wanting to write about this for some time now, but admit I wasn’t sure where *I* stood on this, so I couldn’t discuss it – I have no problem debating controversial issues, but this one was a biggie, especially the things Mr. A n d e r s o n discusses at length in his book.

Allow me to explain.

A couple should reserve emotional fidelity while structuring in rules for recreational sex.

Why? Here are a few reasons, based on his research:

1. Long term sex with just one partner leads to less sexual desire for that partner, regardless of the strength of the emotional relationship, resulting in sexual incarceration.
2. Staying with your partner, despite wanting sex with others, suggests that you do love your partner; you simply want sex with someone else to fulfill your sexual desires.
3. Cheating exists as the only rational choice to have one’s emotional and sexual desires met in a culture that stigmatizes open relationships.

The reason why people don’t do this more often is because they are lead to believe that monogamy will give them a lifetime of sexual fulfillment and that monogamy is normal and natural – I definitely don’t think monogamy is natural, but I do believe that if we truly want to be monogamous, we can choose to live that way. Mr. A n d e r s o n writes that instead of focusing on the issues with cheating, we should be focusing on the many issues with monogamy. Honest forms of loving are condemned in our society so we just CAN’T ask our spouses/partners for an open relationship because it would cause a break-up or increased “surveillance”. As a result of this, we cheat.

The way out of the monogamy gap? We need to place as much value on open sexual relationships as we do on monogamous ones. Get rid of the stigma associated with recreational sex and then people will begin to be more honest with their partners about what they want sexually. Mr. A n d e r s o n says, “Only once sexually open relationships become a viable cultural choice — free of stigma or hierarchy — will we be able to talk honestly about what form of relationship would serve us best.”

Interestingly, even women agree with him that some men need more of a sexual outlet than women do…the women just need to be reassured….IF they find out about the other woman…they need to know that you didn’t “fall in love” with her and that it’s really and truly….

…just sex.

I’ll end with a comment about relationship transparency by a divorced woman (her husband cheated on her many times) that I couldn’t agree with more:
I know now that you have to put everything on the table. If you don’t, that’s not fair to the other person because you have to at least give them the chance to love all those ‘off’ things about you. And if you can fall in love being completely who you are, that sounds like the best thing ever. If I end up being alone, so be it. But I don’t want to fake anything ever, ever, ever again.

I’ll add that you should be able to do this without fear of retribution (that’s for you ladies out there – give him props when he’s honest!).

I’d love to know what you guys think about this. In the meantime, I will be back in a few hours to discuss “Are you cheating if you’re emotionally connected to someone other than your mate?” Also, I’ll discuss triangular loving. (smile)

When Is It Okay to Cheat?

Posted in Cheating Series on August 9, 2012 by Sam


“I have made this letter longer, because I have not had the time to make it shorter.” Blaise Pascal.

In order to answer this loaded question, we must first explore some of the reasons why people cheat. There’s no way I could possibly cover all of the reasons, so for the sake of attention span and time, I’ll discuss the common causes. But, first, let’s debunk a very well known “fact” which is actually a myth. Men do not cheat much more than women- the scale isn’t tipping over in the male direction. Statistics and research have proven that currently, women are cheating almost as much as men do. Another myth: Men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional intimacy. Fact: Men cheat for various reasons including sex and emotional intimacy…so do women.


Is it okay to cheat when:

1. Your sexual needs aren’t being met (examples: sex isn’t satisfying and/or sex is boring and/or sex rarely happens).
General Consensus: It depends. Some people see this as black and white and for them, it’s a definite yes or no. Some people say it depends on how long it’s been going on for, as well as the reason why their needs aren’t being met. For most relationships and people who were co-habitating, they thought ending the relationship was best because if they got married, it would cause marital issues for the individuals who consider sex to be an important part of their relationship. For married couples, most believe that if the problem is the relationship, therapy should be considered. If physical, the couple should seek help for the medical condition first before making a decision to step outside of the marriage. If the choice is going to be made to go outside of the marriage for sex ONLY, then it should be discussed in great detail.

My opinion: I actually agree with the general consensus. Stranger things have happened! Lol. As for boring sex… if you’ve ever had REALLY great sex, it is VERY hard to go back to just “okay” or “decent” sex – you will always yearn to go back to “great” sex, especially if your sexual personality is adventuresome, exciting, and…comical; you’ve got to be able to laugh with your partner in the bedroom, right in the middle of the action. I find that some people try very hard to stifle who they are sexually to make a relationship work, and then years later, they get into trouble. Best bet? Find a sexually compatible partner or your ass WILL be cheating at some point, mark my words. Can’t say I would blame you.

2. You are the type of person who needs an emotional connection and it’s absent within your relationship.
General Consensus: No, it’s not okay. Get counseling.

My opinion: It depends. Was there a real emotional connection to begin with or was it a forced marriage/relationship? If it’s a relationship of comfort, convenience, for “show”, etc., what point would it make to go to counseling? If you’re married, I say definitely go to counseling. For other kinds of relationships, I think you should determine whether this is a relationship you REALLY want and that it’s for the right reasons….ask yourself do you REALLY love this person and definitely want a long-term commitment? If all of the above are positive answers, I suggest counseling. But, if it takes THAT much effort to build an emotional connection that wasn’t really ever there…what’s the point? I say cut your losses and move on; life is too short (or long, depending on how you look at it!).

3. You’re attracted to someone else.
General Consensus: No, it’s never okay to cheat in this situation, especially if you’re married.

My opinion: I agree that if you’re married, it’s probably not a good idea to cheat in this situation unless there’s some other things going on. The thing is…there is always going to be a handsome man or a beautiful woman around and/or someone who has a great personality. We’re human beings and we were created with love, we were made TO love! The heart has no boundaries and we can be attracted to, and love many people at once- there is no crime or sin in that…there will ALWAYS be people around whom we may be attracted to. Whether you act on that attraction is an entirely different matter. Now, if you’re in a relationship/co-habitating….I’m going to say that if it’s just an attraction, probably not a good idea, either, unless, there’s some other things going on in the relationship. An example of other things: You both decide that for financial reasons, you have to stay together, you’re staying together because one of your children has an illness and a therapist (and you) think it would be too hard for them to deal with – in those kinds of situations, why NOT date the person whom you’re attracted to? Bottom line: this is a gray area to me so I am going to lean more towards no, but leave room for “maybe, it depends.”

4. Your partner has a much lower libido.
General Consensus: About 60% of couples thought no – no cheating – their partner should just deal with it – particularly married couples. About 40% thought that it depends on the reason for the low libido – some thought the libido might be low because that partner was already cheating! Especially if sex was frequent early on and then dwindled down later on, in the absence of children. I’ll add that the person may have been trying to “sex you out” – meaning, make you believe that that is what their nature is really like in order to cement the relationship; women are NOTORIOUS for this.

My opinion: For me, this would NOT work. Some people are okay with infrequent sex – I’m not. If I have a partner/husband, I would probably want to have sex every single day, and more if he could keep up! If you’re like me, being with a person who doesn’t have the same libido as you is called sexual incompatibility, and that is one of the main reasons for break-ups and divorce. This goes for boring sex, routine, sex, sex that is non-gratifying. If you’re married, I say get help. Fast. Any other kind of relationship, run! True story: I have a friend who will probably marry a guy because he’s a good man (rare) – and he wants to marry her. They have a good relationship, get along very well, have fun together, their grown children (late teens) get along, he makes her laugh…but she isn’t “in love” with him and they don’t have any passion. They’re routine, and they are very comfortable with their situation. HER libido is lower than his, but not because it’s REALLY low, it’s because she’s not that attracted to him sexually – they just….get the job done. She knows that she is the kind of person who NEEDS good, quality sex, and she needs it at least a few times per month. So, she already knows who she is. Because of that, she already knows that she will go outside of the relationship for her needs, making sure not to get caught. I personally think this is a bad idea and I tell her so, and I remind her of a guy that I KNOW she loves- an equally good man….a man who gives her all of the passion she wants and needs. She acknowledges that I’m right, but there’s ONE THING about him that she can’t stand, and because of that ONE THING, which she won’t even discuss with him because she’s afraid to bring it up, she made the decision to go with “stability, familiarity, and security” instead of “love, passion, as well as familiarity AND security”. So, she will marry this good man who really does love her, and get her sexual needs met outside of the relationship, and soon to be…marriage. In their current state, I don’t think it’s SO bad, but the minute she says, “I do”? I can’t agree with her about this – in my heart, I believe she’s doing every single person in this circle a disservice. Married to one and wishing, pining….having sex with the other man? I understand she doesn’t want to hurt the man she’s seeing – it’s always difficult to hurt someone you care about – especially when they have been good to you, but don’t you all agree that it would be so much easier to make it work with the person she REALLY loves, desires, and feels passion for?

5. There are problems in your marriage/relationship that follows the two of you into the bedroom.
General Consensus: Get therapy.

My opinion: In a marriage, I agree – get therapy. In a relationship, I think it depends. Sometimes we hang on to relationships for silly, ridiculous, societal reasons that years later we realize, made absolutely no sense. If you’re REALLY in love and the sex is some throw me up against the wall, passionate sex…I say, get counseling- the relationship is worth salvaging. If it’s anything less than that and you’re not married – to hell with it – wouldn’t you rather be alone than be in a relationship with problems (or, better yet, a somewhat boring relationship) that leads to “okay” sex on a semi-regular basis? Oh, wait….I forgot….some people are petrified of being alone, so maybe not! And God help the ones who stay because they fear marriage/relationship failure because they don’t realize that with THAT mentality, they’ve ALREADY failed themselves.

6. You feel emotionally and/or sexually neglected.
General Consensus: It depends. If the couple has tried counseling and it hasn’t worked – if it’s gone on for a long time (most say 1 year is long enough), most people say to get a divorce/break-up. Some people think it depends on if children are involved…some people think that cheating will actually help.

My opinion: This is a HUGE gray area for me- it really depends on many factors. On this one, I’m going to lean more towards yes, it’s okay than no. No one deserves to be neglected.

What about “consensual cheating”?

Swinging. Most people consider this cheating. I won’t label it – if a couple wants to have an open sexual relationship and they can make it work, I say go for it. My only thing is – why be in a marriage or relationship if you want to swing? Just see each other and see other people whenever you want! Especially marriage – isn’t the point of marriage supposed to be monogamy?

Some women are okay with their partners stepping outside of the marriage/relationship if it’s just for sex and she doesn’t know about it. I’m not so sure I would be okay with that, especially if we were married. If I have a physical limitation, I think I would be okay with it- if I truly loved someone, I’d never deny him pleasure, however he might need to attain it. But, outside of that? I don’t know. It seems unfair if the woman in this situation can’t do the same, though *I* wouldn’t want another man to touch me if I was in a relationship/married/loved someone – I’m just not one of those people who are built that way. My thing is – it’s risky…what if the man in this situation begins to develop feelings for the other woman – what would that do to the relationship/marriage? Some women wouldn’t care about this, either – as long as he doesn’t leave her; there are some cultures where it’s common for the man to have a main “woman” and then a “woman on the side” or a “mistress”, and the main “woman” will know about her, but as long as it doesn’t cause any upset to her life/household, it’s all good. I know that a large number of these women are suffering from low self esteem; others will allow it in order to hold on to the man at all costs which isn’t love – it’s about something inside of her that she needs to address. One thing about this is clear: Statistics show that almost all women would stay with their husband/boyfriend if they cheated, as long as he didn’t fall in love with the mistress; women are much more concerned about emotional attachment than sex (I’ll add that some of them are also afraid of being alone). Men are much more territorial – they don’t want any man “touching” their wife/girlfriend. Speaking of statistics, most men would cheat if they knew it would never get back to their partner. Please note that I wrote “most” not “all”! The percentage of men who WOULD cheat if they knew their partner wouldn’t find out is about 97%. Pretty high, isn’t it? A piece of advice to women: Be the kind of woman and friend whom your husband/partner can be comfortable telling anything – even if that anything is that he wants to sleep with someone else/is attracted to someone. If that’s what he wants to do, don’t get angry with him. Be grateful that he felt comfortable enough to share that kind of information with you. Tell him how you REALLY feel about it – be honest without being mean and/or critiquing his desire. Don’t threaten him and don’t give him an ultimatum. Thank him for telling you and then leave it alone – continue to treat him the same way you always did. He’ll either come back and tell you he went ahead and did it or he changed his mind. Either way, we don’t own anyone, even if we’re married to them. If he doesn’t act on his desire, great. If he does and you’re okay with it because it was a one time thing (or maybe more than one time!), keep it moving and don’t beat him over the head with it since you approved it! If he does sleep with her and you let him know before hand that you did NOT like the idea, you have a decision to make: you either leave him or you stay with him. Another alternative – and I suggest this only if you KNOW you and the relationship/marriage can handle this: ask him if he wants a threesome. That way, he gets what he wants and you BOTH are somewhat in control of the situation. Again…only if you and your relationship can handle it and you would actually enjoy having as well as giving the experience. At some point I will post about how this can work in a marriage/relationship.

So to answer the cheating question, some say no, it’s always wrong, some say monogamy is overrated, some say it depends, some say as long as you don’t get caught. We’re all over the place with this. Some people came down really hard on W i l l S m i t h and J a d a P i n k e t t-S m i t h when they revealed that they have an open marriage. When I read the interview that they did, I actually understood where they were coming from. They both recognize that there will come a time when they will be attracted to other people, and if they decide to act on that attraction, they made a promise to each other that it wouldn’t be an automatic deal-breaker for their marriage – I think that’s awesome: too many people give up on their relationship without trying to make it work – probably because they were never really committed to it. I think the conclusion that W i l l and J a d a came up with about cheating is fair and…it’s brutally honest. I also think that regardless of which route a couple decides to take – whether it’s monogamy or an open relationship, I think we all need to stop judging the choice. We all need to stop judging people who we deem to be “cheaters”…until we’ve walked one mile in their shoes, we have no basis to judge them.

I’m working on two more posts – one is “Is Monogamy Overrated? Let’s Look at Some History” and the other is, “How Cheaters and The Other Woman/Man Copes”. I love the latter, because there is very minimal research done on it and I feel it’s a subject that should be openly discussed much more often. The former? Plenty of things online as well as in bookstores and libraries debating the validity of monogamy in history as well as in modern times. So….I need some help – which one would you guys like to read first? Send me a message and let me know!

When Is It Okay to Cheat Draft

Posted in Cheating Series on August 8, 2012 by Sam

Forgive me! I’m still working on shortening this post, in between trying to make rum-cream raisin cup cakes from scratch! I’ll have it up in the morning for you all…have a super-great, sexy night!

🙂

What Exactly IS Cheating?

Posted in Cheating Series on August 8, 2012 by Sam


I think I’m going to be giving a lot of disclaimers during this series. Here’s another one:
I am not the fidelity police and I’m not here to judge anyone. I am also not trying to persuade people to side with my own personal moral code; it’s okay if we disagree – makes the world a more interesting place, and it’s great for friendly debating!

The definition of cheating (by popular vote) is:
If you are in a monogamous relationship or you are married and both parties have agreed to be exclusive to one another – if they’ve both agreed not to date anyone else or sleep with anyone else and someone in the marriage/relationship breaks that promise (or vow, if we’re talking about marriage), that person is cheating.

I have my own definition of cheating:
Performing an act or doing something with someone else that your partner would consider detrimental to the relationship.

Ha! Confused yet?

What I mean by that is this:
You don’t have to be on a date with someone or have sex with someone to cheat. Cheating ALWAYS begins in the mind. Example: You’ve just had the usual 3 times per week mundane sex with your partner; it didn’t start out that way between the two of you, but now it’s routine and lacks excitement. You’re done and laying in bed, pretending to be asleep…what you’re really doing is thinking about that ex from college. You know, the one who would lift you up with his shoulders and PROPERLY go down on you with your back against the wall and legs wrapped around his neck (Damn! Lol. Good memories!). Or….that ex-girlfriend who has an awesome body – all “t and a” – and when you would get behind her, with every thrust, she would return it by throwing her ass back at you like it’s nobody’s business – and she loved sex with you anywhere, anytime, anyplace. Mmmm…nice fantasies, huh? THAT, my friends, is cheating! Think it’s okay to fantasize like this? Sure it is, if you’re single! But not so cool if you’re married/seriously involved – at least don’t do it if your partner is next to you (or under- or on top) in bed! Remember, sex starts with the mind, and in this woman’s/man’s mind, they are not only fantasizing about an ex; they’re doing it with their partner RIGHT NEXT TO THEM! How about if you’re thinking of sex with someone else in the middle of sex with your partner? Don’t think it’s cheating? Ask your partner how they would feel about your fantasizing! Don’t get me wrong, people fantasize – especially men – and they do it often. But it’s fleeting. It’s the girl who just rang them up at the register. It’s J-Lo. It’s Scarlett Johanssen, etc. That’s normal. What I described a few sentences up? THAT is going to lead to some hot sex at some point – probably with the person they’re fantasizing about!

There’s so many things that people consider to be “cheating” in a marriage/relationship. Gambling can be considered cheating. Allowing work to consume your life and your relationship can be considered cheating. Making every single thing but your relationship one of your priorities can be considered cheating. Yes, this is all true, trust me….mostly women thinking this way, but it doesn’t invalidate it!

There is emotional cheating as well. There’s just some things you cannot talk with your partner about – they just don’t understand, and sometimes you feel like even though you know they’re on your side, they just don’t get it…and they don’t get YOU, no matter how hard they try. You start conversing with a friend, your colleague, an acquaintance (all are of the opposite sex) about your issue(s). You begin to bond with this person because of what you’re sharing with them and their ability to empathize, how easy it is to talk with him/her, but more importantly, they REALLY understand you, and you know they don’t have an agenda like your spouse/partner does. Then one day you can’t reach them. You panic because this person has now become who you NEED to talk with; you don’t even see or sense the danger you’re in. You’re relieved when you finally reach him/her – you were so worried! You don’t want that to happen again, so now you’re emailing him/her from home when your partner is cooking, sleeping, or has stepped out – maybe YOU stepped out to go to CVS so you can get in touch with your friend. You bring your cell phone in the bathroom so you can either call or text them something quick – and sweet…something like, “Hey – super busy, but thanks so much for being there for me- you’re a good friend.” Can you all see the problem with this? If not, let me tell you what this is: Emotional Cheating! Which is far more dangerous than physical/sexual cheating…know why? When you are emotionally attached to someone, it is a VERY, VERY DIFFICULT bond to break, especially emotional bonds that have been created over a period of time. Think about it. Think about a person you connected with on so many levels, not just sexually. Think about how close you were/are to them and how much they meant/mean to you- think about how this person is/was there for you when NO ONE ELSE WAS/IS. I’ll wait.

Can you see how difficult it would be to break a bond of such nature? In my own little Sam-world, I personally don’t believe certain kinds of emotional bonds can EVER be broken. They may get buried with other “stuff” on top of it, but it’s always right there at the surface, ready to “come out and play” when it’s triggered by something, someone, an event, or a memory.

I don’t believe that monogamy is natural, not just for men, but women, too – I won’t go into an entire anthropology class about it, but just Google this, there’s a lot of research out there that supports this theory. It can’t be natural for men (this is the Gospel according to Sam) – they’ve got testosterone and libido as supporting evidence! Seriously, monogamy is a personal choice, not a necessity; don’t allow anyone – don’t allow society to dictate how you choose to live, whether it’s a monogamous life, a sometimes monogamous life, a swinging life, or a polygamous life: only YOU know what’s right for you, no matter what anyone else thinks cheating is- just be honest and true to yourself, and with your partner, if it’s possible (and won’t cause you physical harm!). As my girl Riri and the rapper TI says, “Live your life…ay, ay, ay!”

Next post (later this evening/tonight): When is it okay to cheat?
Will be a good one!

Series Update

Posted in Cheating Series on August 8, 2012 by Sam

12:30PM
I’ll have two posts up – one this afternoon and one this evening. My apologies, but I’ve been working on a post and it turns out that it’s entirely too long so I had to find a way to make them into 2 separate ones. Good things come to those who wait! (smiling)

What a controversy! Let me clarify.

Posted in Cheating Series on August 7, 2012 by Sam

I initially received notes from many people stating how much they agreed with what I said in the “Be Honest in Cheating” post, that if you’re not married, you’re single. And, then I started getting numerous questions – and some of the people asking were down right angry, men in particular! I was asked things like, “What will you do if HE starts dating others since you don’t take him seriously?” “How will he know you’re not sleeping with other guys?” “How does dating multiple men encourage a man to want to marry you? It does the opposite!” “How do you know a guy is telling the truth about having a girlfriend who he’s not interested in marrying?”

Yikes.

I’m going to answer all of these questions.

In regards to going out on a date with a man who has a girlfriend – I didn’t say I would do it with every guy who asks! Lol. Yes, of course some men are lying about the nature of their relationship; I’m sure we all can think of someone we know (or know of) who dated someone only to find out that they are married when they believed they were single. So, yes, people can be dishonest about their relationship status, but it’s about what you’re after and whether or not you’re playing games or following “rules”, which *I* am not. Most of the time, you can pick dishonest people out and not agree to date and/or hang out with them. My perception of dating is that two people go out for companionship to talk and hang out in a place where they agree to meet. It does not mean that if you take me out we are exclusive, we will kiss, or that we’ll end up sleeping together (that definitely will NOT happen!). We go out to get to know each other. Consequently, I have developed some great friendships from dating! We may not have been a romantic match, but friendship ended up being a good avenue. Lastly, I am not into drama and don’t want it in my life so with this type of situation, I tread very carefully. In the previous post, you see that I did NOT go out with the guy who had a girlfriend. And, I won’t because my internal “drama” and “not being upfront” meter was off the charts. By the way, I hate the girlfriend-boyfriend title; very high school-ish and juvenile to me. Either we’re in a committed relationship or we’re not. Or we’re (casually) dating. Or maybe we’re sleeping together. Whatever the case, I just don’t like titles.

Let me make a statement that I think will clear up a lot of confusion. I left out a major component of my dating philosophy in the previous post. The part where I discuss not being off of the market until I am engaged or married….if I am dating someone and he verbally tells me he would like to be exclusive and committed to me, and (important) he has shown me via his actions and character that he is a man of his word, I will stop dating other men and concentrate on him and our relationship. I am not in the assuming business, so if a man doesn’t come out and tell me that that is what he wants, I sure as hell am not going to assume that he wants those things with me just because we’re sleeping together, dating, spending most of our free time together, etc. I don’t care if I have keys to his house and he has keys to my place – he doesn’t tell me those things, all of that “playing house” means nothing. We women need to stop treating boyfriends like they are HUSBANDS. I know men pretty well, and I know that when they want something, they will tell you without any prompting and they will also show you with their actions. With that said, if we agree that we are in an exclusive and committed relationship that is leading to a long-term situation, I am going to put a time limit on this exclusivity and commitment. I think that after one year of being exclusive and committed (not counting the “casual dating” part of the relationship), we both should know whether we want to plan and live life together, whether that’s marriage or a co-habitating situation. By the way, I am NOT down with co-habitating at all! Been there, done that, won’t be doing that again. Ever. But I added it in for people who would consider it. Also, when I say I will continue to date outside of a relationship in which I didn’t get the “let’s see where we can go with each other” conversation, I am not saying I will be going on dates often, nor did I mean to imply that. What I meant was that until he tells me he wants me exclusively, he will be the one guy who gets my time and attention and MAYBE my body…big maybe. But from time to time, I may entertain a date and, yes, I will be honest about it and tell him from the door; most men I date know this about me already (though I will admit that I have felt so connected to a man that I will cut everyone off because it feels like “cheating”). Doing this keeps me from getting too attached to a dead-end relationship…I never said it was for meeting Mr. Right, if there’s even such a thing! Let me clarify that before I get hate mail! Lol. When I say “If there’s such a thing as Mr. Right”, what I mean is that relationships require work, sacrifice, and compromise. Therefore, any good man can be your Mr. Right, and any good woman can be your Mrs. Right. Especially if you really love him/her.

Does this post clarify things for you guys (and ladies)?
Smiling.

Next post in the cheating series will be up later. I told you guys this would be interesting!

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