Trump, The Election and Men Dating Who?


We had a fight. On election night. Over something trivial and petty, something that typically hasn’t happened, especially since we reconciled two months ago.

It was 10PM EST, and some results had come in. Unbeknownst to my significant other, I was beginning to feel that lull in the pit of my stomach that something scary was about to happen. Something that could change my life.

But how do I explain that to him, this man whom I love, who is not only white, but just doesn’t “get it”? Even though he overcame a racist upbringing, has been married to a woman of color, and has bi-racial children…he still doesn’t “get it”. And no matter how much he may love one of us, including ME, he never will understand:

1.How it feels to be a WOMAN in this seemingly misogynistic world.

2. How it feels to be a black woman (“well traveled”, “educated”, “upper middle class”, “mixed”and in the words of Beyonce, “Becky-with-the-good-hair”, be damned…none of this matters when you are born highly melanted).

3. How it feels to be black in this country, the United States of America.

4. How it feels to be black.

5. Black.

Why doesn’t he get it? How could he not know that my frustration in the grocery store, trying to find something to eat was not about food? How could he not know that I was beginning to implode with FEAR? Defeat? Hopelessness? He sat right next to me and watched the polls; could he not hear my internal screaming? “No! Please, God, NO. Not Trump. I’ll give anything for a Romney now if one of the other candidates can’t make it happen!” Couldn’t he feel my worry? Not just for myself, but my father, my brothers, my friends, my family? My worry about HIS CHILDREN? Weren’t we supposed to be in synch with one another? Yes, I was wrong to pick a fight, but doesn’t he understand WHY?

Maybe I’m “too black” for him. Maybe I’m just too aware. How can I not be about something that touches my life (less often) or the life of those I love (more often) on a daily basis?

Is it that, for SOME, that this “privilege” is so embedded that they suffer from “racial arrested development”? That even when you can love a man or a woman of color that you simply do not have the ability to understand our insecurities that are founded in 400 years of prison followed by fifty plus years of division, in which we are still barely fifty years separated from?

Doesn’t he love me enough to “get it”? Does love have anything to do with it? Tina?

Can this be fixed for ANY couple going through these kinds of uncertainties and pain the day after without deep, introspective, brutally honest conversations?

I don’t know.

But…I also don’t have the privilege of “getting” what it is to be white, either, and I never will.

Gentlemen: if you are dating or married to a person of color (Black, Latina, etc.), a person who is of a different culture or faith (insert Muslim here) today, make sure to hold her, tell her you care, and that you support her. That you stand with her. Even if she is being silent. Your hugs, words, and support are so needed right now – she needs you to be understanding…right now. Talk to her – ask her if she is okay and how you can support her. Watch her glow…and then melt in your arms.

As for the next few days and weeks, I know we will all come together.  In the meantime, there’s a new flick out about an interracial marriage and how they fought to be together in the 1950’s, and won in Superior Court – this law stands today. Yes! All is not lost, with hope. Maybe he and I can go see it.

And then talk.



3 Responses to “Trump, The Election and Men Dating Who?”

  1. He will never understand. He will always be navigating a “mindfield” of microaggressions because no one can feel the abraded amends nor be suffused with another’s experience and historical apperceptions of inhumanity. All he can be is liminal, loving and aware. There is no way to express the ineffability of exclusion, because he never has, nor ever will have been there. To feel that no matter what you do, it will never be enough. To never realistically imagine your children not having to deal with the veiled reality of bigotry that you did. The privilege is too deeply embedded and emblematic of a nation’s psyche modulated only by intensity, ignorance, and uncomfortable, misdirected contrition.

    Better hold her tight and tender because there is NOTHING you can say.

    Then it is time for a “deep, introspective, brutally honest conversation”— and the compassion of doing the right thing till we get it right.

    Check this editorial about Frederick Douglass and the “progress” we have made:

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: