Controversial “Sex” Conversation

*Originally Published 8/31/2012

I recently had a conversation with a male friend of mine, and the conversation turned into a question and answer interview about his thoughts on my ideas about relationships.

Some history: He’s a good looking man in his mid-forties, 3 children, divorced twice, co-habitating with his current partner. He’s college educated, professional, and like myself, has held executive corporate positions at a few prestigious companies. And his vocabulary….I want to say that it’s almost on the s a p i o s e x u a l level!

He asked me how important sex is to me in a relationship- what percentage it makes up, and I answered, “About 50% of the relationship.” He then asks me if it’s a deal breaker if it’s “bad”, is that the end of the situation for me? I explain that by the time we get to sex, I’ve already done my “weeding out” based on incompatibilities in level of intelligence, spirituality, finances, and a solid foundation of friendship; those things all have to be solid for me to even feel sexually “provoked”. Now, if it’s bad…yeah, probably NOT going to work. Call me shallow, but, yes, sex IS that important to me. It’s an extension of how I feel about someone – I express how I feel with my body and my spirit when I sleep with a man. If he can’t satisfy me, if our libidos aren’t similar (mine is high), if sex isn’t just as important to him as it is to me, yes, that’s a problem. I know who I am in that regard and I am not trying to stifle myself- I don’t compromise on spirituality, friendship, and finances, and I sure as hell don’t compromise with physical intimacy. So, yes…bad sex is a no-go.

He then asks me how long it takes for me to get to sex because it seems like a long time! I said, “I don’t put limitations or time frames on things like that. When people have great chemistry together, it can take one week – or it can take four months or one year…it really depends. I am not one of those women who subscribe to the ‘Steve Harvey’ theories – frankly, I didn’t like the book ‘Act like a lady, think like a man’ – I found it to be manipulative and playing games….if a guy wanted a women to behave like a dude and think like a dude, he would DATE a dude – I’m all about living in my feminine energy – if a man is attracted to a woman, that’s what he wants…femininity…and that’s where I live.” My friend was surprised. He said, “Wow. That’s a great comment and a good way to think – you’re right – when we date women, that’s exactly where we are.” We then discussed that we weren’t ‘hating’ on Steve and that we’re all for him making money…..but, he’s capitalizing on women’s insecurities. I don’t know about my friend, but for ME, that’s just not cool. I did, at least, enjoy his book as a movie!

Based on our shared view, I then told him that I wanted to ask him some questions and he agreed to oblige me by answering. Here are the questions and answers:

Me: What do you think about the fact that I think – depending on the situation and couple, if a man likes variety, makes it known and the woman is okay with him being “openly sexual” – hey, I don’t have a problem with it – am I weird?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: I have a few girlfriends who are up in arms about the fact that if I’m committed or married to someone and we are practicing monogamy, but he steps out sexually from time to time because he’s already told me that he likes varietyI knew what I was getting myself into by dating someone like that, so if I marry him, I’m cool with it. He can go out there and do what he does as long as I don’t find out about it…but if I do, I’m competitive, anyway, and I’m just going to try to f*ck him better than she did! (laughing)
Him: Really? I don’t think you’re weird at all. I think you’re realistic and ahead of your time. At some point, women will stop being unrealistic about men and catch up to where you are. But remember, there are some women out there who are just like men – they like variety, too, and are out there “creeping”, too!
Me: You better watch it now before you get in trouble thinking that way!
Him: (laughing) So you’re cool with your partner running down to DR (Dominican Republic) for a few days to go do his thing, huh?
Me: Heck no – I didn’t say all of that! If he’s on a business trip and he dabbles while he’s gone – I better not find out about it, but if I do, he’ll just come back to my sexual wrath! (laughing)
Him: Do you know….we spend much less time with the people we say we love and care about and so much more with other people – at work, for example – we are getting to know other people and we are “relating” with them, getting to know them. It’s only natural that sometimes, yes, there may be a click and you’ll get to know someone and begin to feel attracted to them…again, because we spend so much time away from those we love.
Me: Omg – that is the damn TRUTH! We DO spend more time with other people! So – I have another question for you – why don’t you marry your partner since you guys have already been living together for one year?
Him: We’ve been dating for 3 years and living together the last year. We are both okay with where the relationship is- we’re good. I could marry her. Or maybe in 5 or 6 years I’ll feel differently. We’ll see. But marriage is a big deal. You have to be financially, mentally, and emotionally prepared for it.
Me: Yep – that’s why *I* don’t want to be committed right now- I’m not there emotionally 100% – I’m still working on getting there- working through my hurts, even though mentally and financially – I’m SO there. So, you got married for love, right…so do you mind if I ask- why did you get divorced?
Him: The first time was for something else – the second time, yes…definitely for love. But after 7 years, we knew that it just wasn’t going to work because our goals were different at that point so we parted amicably. She’s a good woman – a very good woman, and if she meets someone whose goals are the same as hers, she’ll make some man a great wife.
Me: That’s really great to hear a man say that about his ex – you really don’t hear that often at all. (totally admiring him)
Him: Yes. So that is why I’m saying that I’m not in a rush to get married – marriage is a great thing, but you’ve got to be sure and you’ve got to be prepared for it.
Me: So – you asked me about sex as a deal breaker – what’s your deal breaker?
Him: Definitely finances. That’s what happened in my last marriage – I believe in building wealth and using money as a tool…umm….she didn’t.
Me: Oh. I can understand. That’s the main reason why I ended my 12 year co-habitating relationship. (I have a wise grandmother who explained to me that my love for my partner couldn’t “fix” how horrible he was with money and that we’d always have issues because of it).
(On reflection, I now want to know if they tried counseling or if they tried to work their finances out before they divorced – making a mental note to ask him).
Me: So, you think I’m shallow about the sex thing?
Him: Oh, no – you have your standards and then the sex part comes later – I get you. It’s just that *I* have never, EVER – had a problem in that department with any woman, and I have never met a man who had issues with his wife regarding sex – divorcing because of that – for the quality or quantity.
Me: Really?? Wow – that’s crazy – I have a few guy friends who quote sex as being the main problem besides money in their marriages! They never complain before – it’s always after! (laughing). Do you think that women change after they get married? I hear a lot of men say that.
Him: Sometimes, yes, their personality can change.
Me: I have to do some research on that – another friend of mine told me that it wasn’t just the personality, it was the sexual pattern, so I asked him if sex was good before and he said yes, but they just didn’t have much of it after the “I dos!” Which I find to be quite odd…if the woman truly likes sex, right? Weird.
Him: Yeah – I personally didn’t have that problem.
(Another note to find out more about this ^ from him)
Him: We need to write a book.
Me: Yes, we should, right? We need to tell people, ‘Look – THIS is how you do relationships – THIS is realistic and works for the long term – learn from our mistakes!’
Him: You know, at the end of the day, it’s all about being authentic and transparent – you have to have that in a relationship or it’s just not going to work – you have to let people know who you really are.

We continued our conversation but I want to end here because what he said is so wise – and it’s so profound: If you can’t be transparent and let your partner/spouse know who you are and where you are….with money, with your career, with monogamy, with SEX….you’re just doomed for failure. And failure doesn’t have to come quickly, it can take years of just trying to play the part and trying to “be polite.” Don’t worry about being polite – worry about creating a truly happy life that is HONEST and AUTHENTIC!


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