You Asked, I’m Answering

This photo is in no way related to this post, but I decided to put it in here because I found it….interesting and slightly comical.

I’ve received a few messages asking me when I’m going to post the other things I mentioned in this cheating series post. I’m not sure when I’m going to get around to it because quite a few friends have been asking me to do a sex series – and they’ve been asking me for about 3 years now, so I’m going to buckle down and do it as I can see that some women REALLY need it! When I have leisure time, I will write in the cheating series, but my focus will be helping women (and sometimes men).

I’ve also received messages which included questions from the Cheating Series post Coping Methods, about the affair I was in. The main question that was being asked was exactly HOW I coped. Sigh. To answer that required me to dig up some old emotions, and it took me a few days to work up the nerve to go there specifically – the “coping” aspect of it. Because the emotions/memories were not bad…yes, a few were down right sad, and that’s the part I wanted to avoid – but for the most part, they were actually pretty happy memories. And sexy. And H O T.

How I coped? Well, in the beginning, it was great. I knew my place, and knowing my place as his mistress allowed me to know how to “be”, I knew that allowing my feelings to grow beyond what they were would be a dangerous thing for me and that I would end up hurt. A long time ago, I was very angry with him for giving me “hope” that a genuine relationship could have been the end result between us because at one point he became separated from his spouse, but I was wrong to be angry with him about that. *I* was the one in control of my own feelings/emotions, all he did was treat me with care and respect…he treated me, in all honesty, like a queen – and I’m not playing that up, he really did. So, it was easy for me to be carried away by my emotions. I did, however, give him many chances to bail on me and he let me know that he knew what I was doing. He didn’t bail. So, I ended it when I realized that I was approaching a dangerous emotional place of no return….but days later, I RESUMED the relationship because of those same feelings! How frickin’ ironic is THAT? So the affair continued…for some time. Whenever I was in the mistress frame of mind, I functioned very well and was happy…whenever I felt like I was not a mistress but an actual girlfriend and that there was hope but that hope was being “challenged” or possibly taken away, I was….probably a bit difficult to deal with, I imagine.

There are people who have been in very brief affairs and those who have been in affairs for many years; the latter are exceptions to the rule. I know that during the time my affair was going on, I SO wanted us to end up like Charles K u r a u l t and Patricia Shannon. For those of you who don’t know who they are, Charles was a married CBS news anchorman married for 35 years and Patricia was his long time mistress and companion of 32 years-until he died. He bequeathed her their beloved love-nest on his death bed, put her children (from a previous relationship) through college, etc., etc. You can read all about their affair here. It’s clear that although he wouldn’t leave his wife, he loved Patricia, and she loved him. And this is what I wanted my affair to be like since I couldn’t REALLY be with my affair partner, and I was, believe it or not, prepared to be his mistress forever. Was I in love or just crazy? After years of reflection, I know the answer, but I’m not telling! Lol. I’m certainly not condoning or encouraging anyone who’s married to be in an affair, nor am I encouraging women to become involved with a married man. But, the brutal truth is that for some strange reason this type of situation really does work for some people, and if one of my readers chooses to embark on such an endeavor, well, at least I can give you some tools to assist you on your journey….tools I learned through my own very personal experiences. I’m not sure if I was being asked how I coped because the people asking are in affairs themselves, but, here’s some solicited (I think!) advice from Sam:

If you are a woman and you are going to be in an affair, KNOW YOUR PLACE. Don’t ever forget it. The minute you realize you want MORE than what you are currently getting from him, run. Run fast and far away…because in the end, wanting more is what’s going to be your relationship’s death sentence, and it’s a S L O W death! Maintain that underlying friendship and enjoy your time together for what it is and nothing more – doing that is what worked for me and was exactly how I coped, and for the periods of time when I was NOT doing that, the gentleman I was involved with would become annoyed with me and the relationship would suffer during those times. If you are the man in the affair, this is how you should treat your mistress: treat her as you would any friend – with respect, it is very important that you never give her any kind of hope for something different if you know for a fact that you’re never leaving your spouse (or maybe you just don’t see HER as a potential partner/spouse). Lastly, remember that every once in a while she may crave a normal relationship and if she tells you this, immediately tell her she is free to do so – do it without jealousy, and without making her feel guilty for wanting such a thing- then wish her well and let her go in peace if that’s what she truly wants. To both of you: if you’re able to, take breaks away from your “regular life” together – I can honestly say that those breaks really strengthened the bond we had; being away from the constraints that he had…having his undivided attention gave us the best times of our relationship. I may not be in that situation anymore, and the end was painful, but with that experience came a tremendous amount of knowledge and growth as a person and woman, but mostly, I came away from it with many, many wonderful memories – and I don’t care what anyone may think of it, and I don’t care if it’s right or wrong – I have absolutely no regrets because I did what I truly wanted to do.

Maybe this isn’t the answer you guys were looking forward to, but, hey, I answered! (smile)

Come to me in my dreams, and then by day I shall be well again! For so the night will more than pay, the hopeless longings of the day.Longing by Matthew Arnold.


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