What a controversy! Let me clarify.


I initially received notes from many people stating how much they agreed with what I said in the “Be Honest in Cheating” post, that if you’re not married, you’re single. And, then I started getting numerous questions – and some of the people asking were down right angry, men in particular! I was asked things like, “What will you do if HE starts dating others since you don’t take him seriously?” “How will he know you’re not sleeping with other guys?” “How does dating multiple men encourage a man to want to marry you? It does the opposite!” “How do you know a guy is telling the truth about having a girlfriend who he’s not interested in marrying?”

Yikes.

I’m going to answer all of these questions.

In regards to going out on a date with a man who has a girlfriend – I didn’t say I would do it with every guy who asks! Lol. Yes, of course some men are lying about the nature of their relationship; I’m sure we all can think of someone we know (or know of) who dated someone only to find out that they are married when they believed they were single. So, yes, people can be dishonest about their relationship status, but it’s about what you’re after and whether or not you’re playing games or following “rules”, which *I* am not. Most of the time, you can pick dishonest people out and not agree to date and/or hang out with them. My perception of dating is that two people go out for companionship to talk and hang out in a place where they agree to meet. It does not mean that if you take me out we are exclusive, we will kiss, or that we’ll end up sleeping together (that definitely will NOT happen!). We go out to get to know each other. Consequently, I have developed some great friendships from dating! We may not have been a romantic match, but friendship ended up being a good avenue. Lastly, I am not into drama and don’t want it in my life so with this type of situation, I tread very carefully. In the previous post, you see that I did NOT go out with the guy who had a girlfriend. And, I won’t because my internal “drama” and “not being upfront” meter was off the charts. By the way, I hate the girlfriend-boyfriend title; very high school-ish and juvenile to me. Either we’re in a committed relationship or we’re not. Or we’re (casually) dating. Or maybe we’re sleeping together. Whatever the case, I just don’t like titles.

Let me make a statement that I think will clear up a lot of confusion. I left out a major component of my dating philosophy in the previous post. The part where I discuss not being off of the market until I am engaged or married….if I am dating someone and he verbally tells me he would like to be exclusive and committed to me, and (important) he has shown me via his actions and character that he is a man of his word, I will stop dating other men and concentrate on him and our relationship. I am not in the assuming business, so if a man doesn’t come out and tell me that that is what he wants, I sure as hell am not going to assume that he wants those things with me just because we’re sleeping together, dating, spending most of our free time together, etc. I don’t care if I have keys to his house and he has keys to my place – he doesn’t tell me those things, all of that “playing house” means nothing. We women need to stop treating boyfriends like they are HUSBANDS. I know men pretty well, and I know that when they want something, they will tell you without any prompting and they will also show you with their actions. With that said, if we agree that we are in an exclusive and committed relationship that is leading to a long-term situation, I am going to put a time limit on this exclusivity and commitment. I think that after one year of being exclusive and committed (not counting the “casual dating” part of the relationship), we both should know whether we want to plan and live life together, whether that’s marriage or a co-habitating situation. By the way, I am NOT down with co-habitating at all! Been there, done that, won’t be doing that again. Ever. But I added it in for people who would consider it. Also, when I say I will continue to date outside of a relationship in which I didn’t get the “let’s see where we can go with each other” conversation, I am not saying I will be going on dates often, nor did I mean to imply that. What I meant was that until he tells me he wants me exclusively, he will be the one guy who gets my time and attention and MAYBE my body…big maybe. But from time to time, I may entertain a date and, yes, I will be honest about it and tell him from the door; most men I date know this about me already (though I will admit that I have felt so connected to a man that I will cut everyone off because it feels like “cheating”). Doing this keeps me from getting too attached to a dead-end relationship…I never said it was for meeting Mr. Right, if there’s even such a thing! Let me clarify that before I get hate mail! Lol. When I say “If there’s such a thing as Mr. Right”, what I mean is that relationships require work, sacrifice, and compromise. Therefore, any good man can be your Mr. Right, and any good woman can be your Mrs. Right. Especially if you really love him/her.

Does this post clarify things for you guys (and ladies)?
Smiling.

Next post in the cheating series will be up later. I told you guys this would be interesting!

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