LL Series Finale- Did We Re-Unite?

I’m not angry or upset with The MIC for what happened. That wasn’t always the case. While yes, I was angry and upset in the past, I was much more disappointed, hurt, and sad about the way things ended up. Let me explain.

I spent many, many, many nights alone without him, wishing he was in bed with me. If I had the ability to do something normal like just picking up the phone to call him at random, it might have made things a bit more bearable. I spent 3 out of 4 birthdays without him as well as every holiday for the years I dated him…without him. It was very difficult, but I tried to keep my chin up about it, repeating over and over again in my mind, “It won’t be forever – one day, you’ll be able to be with him and be ‘normal’.” But that day never came. That was the sadness. The hurt came from never being chosen. While he may have initially chose to be with me, it was short lived because I chose to walk out on him and he couldn’t bounce back from that – I don’t fault him for that because what I did was hurtful – I’m sure that at the time he felt like it was him and I against the world, and I let him down at a very vulnerable time; and even though *I* knew I wasn’t going anywhere, I was wrong to walk out on him in his time of need and I felt much regret and remorse over what I did. The hurt came from me feeling like he never chose ME when he had the opportunities to do so after that time. He said he loved me, but everything and everyone else seemed to take priority – he left me and went back to his ex-wife. He left me a lot of the time when we had difficulties. He left me when I made a very poor decision that lead to a huge break-up fight – he just did not want to try and work that out. And, finally, he left me again for another woman whom he had been seeing much more seriously than he had lead me to believe. He left me even when he said I was his friend when he had his attorney send me a quasi-cease and desist letter because I wrote a letter to his girlfriend – he threw me under the bus like I was nothing. I’ve always thought that that situation probably made him and the girlfriend closer, just because of what he probably had to do to re-gain her trust and/or to assure her that she was “the one” – man, at one point in my life it would have hurt like hell to say or write what I just wrote! I experienced so much rejection from him that now, when I hear “No” – it’s as if I don’t even hear the word because I’m numb to rejection – rejection became a part of me. The rejection from him was far worse than any other I’ve ever felt because I really did believe in him – even when I started to dis-believe, I had hope, because I believed in the man he was and I believed him when he told me that what we had was special to him.

I did my share of damage to the relationship for sure. And I knew that back then – I only wanted him to give me a chance to make the damage and the mistakes up to him, just like I did for him every time, but he didn’t allow me that, and that’s where disappointment came in.

Just when I thought I was good, I ended up working in the same place as his girlfriend. She was even in the same half-day new employee orientation I was in and I was taken aback by her behavior, but I lived through it with the support of an acquaintance (now a friend) who was also there and saw what was taking place. But everything came to a head when she and I were both at a luncheon and the presenter, totally unaware of the situation, introduced his girlfriend as “______’s partner” to the attendees. After that lunch, I didn’t know what happened at the time, but I just lost it – I was a basket case, crying uncontrollably to the point where I ended up taking an extra hour for lunch – this is when that acquaintance became a friend. It took me a few months to realize that it was reality up close and personal – not just what I think may be going on, but the fact that he really and truly chose someone else after all of that love we had, and he had moved on to a whole entire new and very public life with her, which was something *I* had never experienced. And that was all I ever wanted to have with him- I wanted to have a normal, public, caring, happy, friends and family integrated relationship; I wanted him to have a real, first-hand experience of what being in a relationship that had immeasurable love, passion, friendship, and chemistry could be like: WITH ME. I will never be able to explain how painful that final reality was for me the day of that luncheon.

But it was also very good for me.

It allowed me to move on and start the process of forgiving myself so that I could *completely* forgive him because I thought I had forgiven him, but I had not done it completely. It was so hard to watch him go back to his ex and then go to this other woman, knowing I wanted to be with him sharing his world and happiness, but also feeling and knowing that I would have given my right and left arm to make him happy even if I couldn’t be the one to do it. I had to find a balance, and that incident helped me do that, and it allowed me to see the bigger picture about him, about the relationship, and about myself. I’m a stronger, BETTER woman now because of what I went through.

Where is Sam with all of this now? I respect him so much more than I did before – the time and space we’ve had helped foster that. Because of my current medical condition, I’m so very thankful to have experienced what I did with him even in the limited moments we had because I may not get the chance to experience anything like that ever again. I cherish and love the relationship we had, whether he loved me or not – it doesn’t matter what HE felt, I know where *I* was, and I was happy with him-at the end of the day, isn’t that all that really mattered? And, while, yes, I have missed the sex, regret the dreams, fantasies, and trips we didn’t get to do/go on, while I have missed the care – even the way he would bring me StarGazer Lillies for my bedroom, what I miss now (emphasis on NOW) is the friendship we had, and I miss all the fun and laughter we shared, so it makes the memories we created shine so much brighter – it makes the LL Series have so much more meaning.

Where is MIC with all of this now? I have no idea. I do hope that he’s living his life the way he wants to, no matter what anyone thinks and says about it! He told me that he’s happy, and I hope that’s the place he continues to be in.

Where are WE? I think, at the very least….

….we’re working on being okay with each other.

Lastly, I took some time to read the entire LL Series this afternoon, and I have to say…it’s a REALLY GOOD read, and most of it kept me smiling, and made me happy; I hope it did the same for all of you, and maybe one day, it will do the same for HIM, a.k.a., MIC.


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