Love Letter 30 – The End

MIC didn’t tell me about the other woman, but I knew. After May 13th, I didn’t hear from him for 2 weeks. No email, no text, no call, nothing. I then realized that what we celebrated on the 13th was probably also a celebration with the person he was dating, but in a different way; in a way that would take their relationship to another level.  I wanted him to be honest and tell me – I asked him if he was serious or looking to be serious with anyone on the 13th and he looked me in my face and told me no.  So, when two weeks had passed, I sent him a text to ask him if there was something he wanted to tell me.  He said that there was something going on that he wanted to discuss with me but he never did.  I didn’t hear from him again for about another week, but he was my “go-to” person for certain subjects, so I text’d him to ask him about houses in N e w  O r l e a n s.  He answered me in a callous way, and I just couldn’t hold it in anymore – here I was, stifling the fact that he blatantly lied to me, still continuing to be his friend, still wanting his advice, and he came at me so negatively. So I told him what I knew.  He tried to brush it off.  So, then I said, “I know her name is ____ I know she lives by you. So fess up.” He asked, “Why can’t you leave me alone and let me live my life?” I answered, “If you don’t tell me the truth about what’s going on, I’m going to contact her and tell her about me.” He was calling my phone within 5 minutes.

We argued at first and I cried my eyes out about the lies he had told me over the past year- it was so bad that someone came outside and told me I sounded horrible. But then we REALLY talked, in a way that we hadn’t talked in a very, very long time. He apologized, which I appreciated and said he wanted us to be friends, and I told him I didn’t think it was possible or even feasible as I was an ex and he was in a new relationship, but mostly because he lied to me for so long and just like he didn’t trust me, now….I didn’t trust HIM. He wanted us to re-build our friendship and re-build trust, and I thought it was a good idea, as challenging as it would be, but I wasn’t sure I could commit. I asked for details on how a friendship between us would work – I mean, I already had issues with the fact that so much of our contact was impersonal because it was via email, we never spent any time together, etc.  He reassured me that he would do his best to foster the bruised friendship – that he’d call more, we could do lunch, meet for drinks, etc.  I told him I’d think about it.  I thought about it and then I wanted to see if he really meant what he said, if he was really committed to repairing our neglected relationship. I was going to be near him with my niece for a few days, so I told him I’d be nearby and asked him if we could meet. He said sure, let’s do lunch. I was pleasantly speechless: he meant it.  And I even text’d him once to see if he could talk – he was busy, but still made time to talk with me, I was impressed.  I went to meet him for lunch and we had a really good talk. At that time, it was very hard to be around him and not be sexually attracted- the attraction, for me, was still very strong. He did come on to me in a passive way, but I backed up away from him.  He was in a relationship that he wanted to be in, he didn’t choose me after all we had been through – I mean, I had never met his children and she already had. I think, at that time, that fact – about the children – was the most hurtful; it confirmed a thought that I used to brush off: he was never REALLY going to make me a part of his life.  I mean….the year before, when we were dating, he said after one year of serious dating, he would introduce someone to his kids, so either he was lying to me when he said that, or he was lying that he and this woman had just gotten serious. Whatever it was, I was crushed…I actually cried right in front of him. So, with all of that on my mind, that made it a little easier to back away from him….but I can’t lie, it was difficult.  It was a good four hour lunch. Lol.

We seemed to be getting along and he was treating me nicely, doing exactly what he said he would do. We discussed the possibility of taking a trip together, and then I started to feel weird – I didn’t understand what his angle was.  Was it me? Was it the sex? Was it that he just wanted a harem? Lol. I don’t know what was going on with him, but clearly, he wasn’t in a place where he should have been involved with anyone, including me – at least, that’s the Gospel according to Sam! I did ask him about it and I accepted his answer even though deep inside, I thought it odd.  I mean…..had he said, “Look, even though we broke up, I do still love you.  But now I’m in this relationship, and I care about/love her, too, and I don’t want to break up with her – but I also don’t want to not have you.”  While, yes, that sounds crazy, riding the fence, etc., it would have been honest, and I am SO DOWN for honesty – I would have understood that; it’s human to feel that way.  I didn’t get  him coming at me like that if it wasn’t about his feelings because if he just wanted some side-ass, he could have anyone – he probably didn’t think he could, but he’s handsome enough, funny enough, and smart enough to have any woman. And he had had sex with me at least……maybe 1000 times?  So that’s why had he said something along the lines of what I wrote 4 sentences up, I might have been ride or die on that because at that time, I had enough love left to be able to be on board with him about anything he wanted.

But, then, did he even know what he wanted? He seemed to be going back and forth on his feelings of being monogamous.  And, then, I didn’t hear from him for a few days and when I did, he seemed distant…perhaps they were getting closer or he was feeling guilty.  That same week, I received some news that caused me to believe something bad about him and I became so enraged that I sent his girlfriend a letter.  I did spare Mr. MIC the ultra-dirty secret I thought I had. He was so angry about what I did, you guys won’t believe what happened.  He actually took a legal action against me…, Sam, who had been there for him for four years….me Sam, who he said he loved once….me Sam, who kept all of his secrets for those years…, Sam, who he said was the only friend he had a lot of the time when he had no one else to talk with at 2AM. Whether what he did was warranted or not, I forgave him. It was a very long road to forgiveness for me – in my world…where I come from? You just DON’T do that. He WAS trying to play both sides of the fence but I’ll be a grown-ass woman and say that I shouldn’t have said anything to her, after all, HE was the one I had an issue with. But, to be honest, it wasn’t just THAT that I was angry about, I think I had residual anger from the way he lied to me over one year, and it all just came out. I was angry that he didn’t choose ME. And during our last heated conversation, he said to me, “I’m very serious about this woman.” I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. He had never, ever said that to me…and I’m pretty sure he never said that about me to anyone. Know why? Because he wasn’t ever REALLY serious about me. And somehow, I always knew that our relationship would end because it was a transitory relationship for him, but quite the opposite for me – for me, it was a real relationship that I wanted to last because I really did believe that we were a divine intervention- the connection that *I* felt all those years ago and until that time was too special and strong to be anything less than that.

So, that’s the end of this story. I was going to write another post – a reflective one, and discuss where I’ve been since then and what I think about what transpired from beginning to end. I decided to leave it to you guys….if you want to know these things, ask me to write about it: if I get 3 requests, I’ll write another post.


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