Love Letter 29 – Part I-When you’re in l o v e by yourself

In the last post, I discussed the catalyst for the ending of the relationship between MIC and I.

I didn’t think I’d ever speak with him again, and it was a rough summer for me – probably worse than the summer when I was 8 and my punishment for not doing well in school was to stay in my room the entire summer. The only thing I could do for my own sanity and my broken heart was to stay in prayer, and it helped.  In a lot of ways, that situation made my spiritual life even stronger than it  was before. I prayed for strength for myself, I prayed for MIC to have peace and to be comforted. I did try to reach out to HIM a few times but he did not want to speak with me and I don’t blame him because he was right that I wasn’t acting like I was responsible for what happened and that I wasn’t coming at him in a way that showed any remorse.  Interestingly, when we had the “relationship” talk while things were good, I had applied to a professional certificate program at a grad school that was near where he lived and I was accepted; it was my way of slowly transitioning a permanent move to his area, allowing him time to do what he needed to do, allowing me to get used to that area…it was also a way for us to get to spend time together much more often.  And then I had to make a choice: now that we’re not together, do I still go to school? I decided it was a good career move, and even though it would be painful, I started the class. After a couple of months, I mailed MIC a handwritten apology. Some time after that, I asked if we could have lunch to talk because I didn’t feel comfortable with us breaking up via a text message – I felt that out of respect for the relationship, we should have a live, in-person conversation.  He didn’t want to. I told him that I still wanted us to be friends and he didn’t want to do that, either. I pleaded with him to think about it, and he asked me to give him 30 days to think about it.

I left MIC alone for the entire time and contacted him on the 31st day.  I asked if we could meet since I would be in his area for class. He declined.  We actually ended up seeing each other while I was there.  It was….weird seeing him again.  Not in a bad way at all. I guess because of everything that had happened.  We did have a good time.  But, then he sent me a letter that was so crass – it was about how he wanted our new ‘situation’ to be.  At least, at that time I thought it was crass, now I find it hysterically funny….and what he wrote in that letter to me, I probably should have agreed to it and not amended it – for ME, I would have been much better off.  Because the very thing that should not have happened, happened.  My feelings for him were rekindled. And there was a stretch of time in there where we were getting along so well.  I was re-reading some old notes about it, and back then, we marveled at how well we were getting along as at one point, we hadn’t had any resemblance of a fight in 6 weeks.  And then it was the holidays, which found us spending time together,  He even picked me up from the airport and paid my bus fare to go home.  That Christmas, he gave me some of the best sex of my life; it was the first time I had more than 20 orgasms back to back: amazing, isn’t it? But I was in trouble because I was falling in love with him again and I was scared because I knew he wasn’t in a place where he could be with anyone…I also knew that he wasn’t going to choose to be with ME after what happened over the summer as he still didn’t believe anything about that situation.  I tried to feel him out to see where he was, but he was all over the place. And I really shouldn’t have pressured him because that wasn’t fair, even though it wasn’t my intent to make him feel pressured.

We spent a little time together on New Years Day, and doing that meant a lot to me. He was feeling like my friend again. We made plans for me to spend  a day or two with him- we were going to go to the gym together, to the mall, and then he was going to make dinner.  I ended up getting into traffic and I ran late – I couldn’t find him in the gym, I was hungry, and somewhat irritated. We ended up having a fight. And, I have it written in my old diary that we were getting along so well and it seemed like MAYBE we could overcome our issues/the big ‘summer’ fight, but after this last fight, he was different and the connection we were subconsciously rebuilding was gone.


…we continued seeing each other casually. About 2 months after the fight happened, a friend of mine called me and told me she thinks she saw MIC on M a t c  She said he didn’t have any photos, but it sounded like him, so I asked her to read his profile to me.  And, as she read it, I started to quietly cry. It WAS him. I had already known he wasn’t going to be with me, but hearing what I heard just made it worse. My heart was breaking again, but this time, it was at a very slow pace.

I’d like you all to know that while yes, this part of the story is quite sad, I don’t feel sad about it today. With everything that I’m going through personally, I’m actually appreciative to have experienced what I did with him in that relationship because it really was a special kind of love, and I’m grateful to have had his friendship: when he needed to be, he was truly a very good, supportive friend….my best friend.  I remember that once back then, he told me that if I ended up in the hospital, that wherever he was or whatever he was doing, he’d make sure to find his way to be with me – and I did believe him because even if he didn’t love me, that’s the kind of man he was – that’s the kind of friend he was to me.  So, I can’t be sad about the past – I celebrate it, which is why I’m writing about it, especially now, more than ever.

I’ll try to post something later tonight. Quote:

To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart.” Phyllis Theroux.


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