Love Letter-29 Part II Vanishing

I love the title of this post – it’s so fitting and a great song by old school M a r i a h  C a r e y. We’re winding down to the end here….this post, which should have been number 30 and written on Sunday, May 13th (which was a significant day because it’s the last day I was with The MIC) was supposed to be the last post in this series.  But everything happens for a reason, and perhaps the fact that I wasn’t able to write on that day is symbolic…of what, I don’t know, but perhaps time will tell. There will probably be two more posts.

In the last LL, I discussed how I was in a particular state of being by myself and that MIC had started dating other people. It was an up and down time in MIC’s life- for reasons that I DID/DO understand. Even though I understood, sometimes, it was hard for me. I had to take a step back and accept the fact that he was dating other people and I had to be okay with that to  be able to be a friend to him.  I did my best, but in the midst of all of that,  I lost a child. I don’t think he knew/knows how painful that was for me, after I suffered the loss, that child seemed like he/she was our miracle baby because of the circumstances…losing him/her isn’t a feeling that can be articulated in writing – probably not even verbally. I will carry that feeling with me for the rest of my life.

At some point, he told me that he had started to date someone but it wasn’t serious.  By this time, I had actually grown used to the idea of him dating, and I was okay with it, I just wanted HIM to be okay with it…for my own reasons.  I didn’t think he was in a place where he should have been focusing on one person – I don’t know if I was right or wrong, it’s just how I felt about where I believed he was in life.  We were still seeing each other, and even though it was very “hook-up-ish”, I was still an ex that he was seeing and because we had yet to have a total and clean break from each other, I wondered about his ability to explore being exclusive with another woman.  Now, of course, I know that I can’t be his therapist, and I don’t want to be his therapist: he’s a grown-ass man, and he makes his own choices and decisions, and as a friend, it was my duty and obligation to support him, whether I agreed or not.  We had this sort of friendship thing, and we had this kind of sleeping-together thing, and I had a feeling that some of the women he was dating (or the woman he was dating) may have believed they were the “only” one, and I wasn’t too fond of that.  But I kept reminding myself that it wasn’t my business, especially because those were things he didn’t want to discuss with me…bigger than that, I wasn’t and I am not the “fidelity police”.

I tolerated a lot of things that I normally wouldn’t have tolerated – some of it was wanting to make things right with him in regards to the break-up the previous summer, but most of it was his situation- I didn’t want to add to his stress – he was going through so much and I had already let him down in the past. I knew that things were starting to get a little more serious with him and whoever he was seeing because we’d spend time together and I wouldn’t hear from him for days, sometimes even more than one week and when I would ask about it he’d say I could have reached out to him, too, he’d be ‘away’ for holidays- we would discuss going on trips (to New Orleans, and even to Jamaica) and he didn’t follow through on dates – he’d all of a sudden be too busy to go. But most of all, and the biggest reason why I knew there was someone else who was significant was because he was very different with me. Once, he did something that he had never, ever done: we were out having lunch, and he emailed (or text’d) on his phone the entire time we were together; I couldn’t believe how much he had changed – he was always…I mean ALWAYS, a 100% perfect southern gentleman.  So, I knew things were different. We ended up meeting  each other while we were both in Charlotte at the same time, and I asked him about where he was.  He told me that he enjoyed dating a few women but that he didn’t want to be serious or be close to any one woman.  I believed him, until the following month when we were spending time together and he said something very interesting to me. We were laying up in the jacuzzi like we always used to do and I had decided that I was going to buy a house.  We were discussing it because the house was not too far from where he lived.  He told me that he wanted to make sure that if we were to run into one another on the street and I saw him with another woman that I wouldn’t freak out.  There was more to that conversation, but I don’t wish to go into detail.  And then he kept asking me if I was sure I was going to move there, and when.  I knew the relationship he was in became even more serious when he stopped asking to see me as often, but I had already decided that I wasn’t going to see him if he asked – he did ask to see me a time or two after I made that decision, and I declined. Once I asked him if I could crash at his house and he told me that I couldn’t for a reason that I knew wasn’t really true – I think he had forgotten that he used to tell me a lot of things about his job and people that he knew.  He wasn’t wrong to tell me that I couldn’t crash at his house, but because we were friends, I did expect him to at least tell me what was going on.  But he continued to say he wasn’t serious with anyone.  I ended up finding out that that wasn’t exactly true.

A friend of mine came across a newspaper article and she sent the link to me – it was a photo of MIC with another woman at a very formal event.  The photo was about one year old, but he had told me that that trip was about him visiting colleagues and a sibling….clearly, this woman was no sibling, and not a colleague.  I was HOT that he wasn’t forthcoming with me more than I was upset about him being with someone else – I just didn’t get WHY he couldn’t tell me the truth after all we had been through together..I had kept so many of his secrets, I felt like his living and breathing diary sometimes (I mean that in a very good way). I kept thinking “Are we not friends? Don’t we always tell each other the truth even if it hurts – isn’t that all I ever asked of him?”  I felt like…okay – at one time, all I wanted was HIM- that’s all I ever asked him for, and since I couldn’t have him, the only other thing I ever asked for was for him to be brutally honest with me even if it was going to be uncomfortable.  After I saw that photo, I wanted to curse him out so badly, but I didn’t.  I did some research and I found out that the woman in the photo had moved to his area (no wonder I couldn’t crash at his place!). I was spent.  So THIS was the woman that he didn’t want me to ‘freak out’ on if I saw him in town had I bought that house. I said nothing to him for weeks. And while I still believed he should have kept dating a few women as opposed to being in a relationship, something else took precedence: I wanted so badly to know that he cared about me as a friend – I wanted to know that after all we had been through, that he would be up front with me, even if it would take him some time to work up the nerve to do it.  I asked him so many times if he was seeing someone and if there was something he wanted to tell me.  Every time, he said no.  He even met with a friend of mine for lunch in Texas, and she told me that he told her that he wasn’t interested in any relationship with anyone for the foreseeable future…I guess that was all for me so I wouldn’t suspect anything. I was so hurt.  He really wasn’t going to tell me.

And then May 13th came around, and we spent some time together.

A photo of my name that MIC sent me a few days before May 13th.

We had never, EVER had ‘bad’ sex between us, but on THAT day, I have to be honest…it was the first (and only) time that I ever ‘faked it’ with him.  He was so…distant. He showed zero emotion – it was almost like he was just going through the motions, and I had never been the recipient of such sexual behavior from HIM. And that’s when I knew – that’s when everything came full circle for me: he either had deep feelings for someone else, or he was  into this woman as I was ‘old news’, I was no longer exciting to him – new women/semi-new women and sex from new/semi-new women are huge turn-ons for men. And something else happened that I hadn’t ever realized before in my life, and I have definitely dated a cheater in the past: there is no way that MIC could 1. love or care deeply for a woman and then 2. cheat on that woman because if they are REALLY emotionally connected, SHE WILL KNOW THAT HE HAS BEEN WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND THAT HE HAS FEELINGS FOR THE PERSON. If I ever told MIC that, he probably would not believe me – many men probably wouldn’t, but I am telling you – and women, you know this….there are some men that in this exact scenario, YOU JUST KNOW. And, with this knowledge, we were done. Because without that emotional connection between us, sex was just not the same. I’m not saying that the emotional connection was lost on MY end, because it wasn’t, it wasn’t as strong as in the past, but it was still there to a degree….MIC was no longer emotionally connected to ME.  There’s actually some good that could have come out of that. No, I’m not crazy. Lol.  The thing is…if he ever really did love me, that emotional connection he used to feel was simply buried and covered up with other feelings…if he ever really loved me, eventually, those emotions would resurface at some point in his life. I don’t know if they ever did or ever will since I am not The MIC and I don’t know what his true and genuine feelings were (and I won’t be so bold as to guess)- I am simply stating what I know to be a confirmed fact.

I don’t want to make it seem like I was an innocent party and that I never did anything wrong in that situation, or to MIC.  Further, I don’t want it to appear as if none of  the arguments we had was never my fault – I wasn’t innocent and I was at fault plenty, trust me! But I can’t tell his story as I don’t know it all…it’s more important for the reader to know that my focus is not on who’s more to blame  (and I will say right here that I was probably more to blame for the issues) or to debate who won arguments because in the end, we BOTH lost something.  So ladies, take some advice from me: if you love a man, don’t try to WIN every fight because you might LOSE that man…don’t create a fight, create peace – choose to foster and make love, not destroy it.

See you tomorrow night. Quote:

We keep the numerous fights clean and the bedroom stays ‘dirty’!” Actor Kevin Bacon’s answer when asked, “Name one important thing that keeps you and your wife together.”


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