Love Letter 28 – Part II: The End of the Rough Road


I actually had to have a drink before I sat down to write this post so I hope there aren’t many errors- if there are, just send me a note and I’ll be sure to correct it/them- I don’t think I have it in me to proofread this once I get to the end.

Okay.

On the day that my friends and I were supposed to be leaving to spend a few days near MIC, he received an email from me that wasn’t meant for him.  The content of the email alluded to an escort/ call girl setting up an appointment to meet with a client. No, the escort was not ME. However, MIC thought it was, and I’m not going to make any excuses.  I can sit here and try to explain it to all of you just like I tried to explain it to HIM, but I don’t think it would do any good; it was what it was, and what it was was deceitful and shady…I can admit that. For a long time, I was angry with him for not believing in me, not having faith in my character, and not believing that I loved him and what we had too much to do something like – every one of those places was the wrong place for me to be in.  Instead of being defensive and making excuses for my lack in judgement, I should have backed away and allowed him the time and space he needed to digest everything, but I was all caught up in my, “how could you believe/think that about me?” when clearly, I gave him the perfect reason to think that!  I will share a story with you:

I have a very good guy friend and I told him this story. He became angry with me. He said, “First of all, if you were MY girlfriend, I would have kicked your ass, seriously – what were you doing? I mean, I know you have a little crazy in you, but that whole thing is beyond crazy! Second thing – you sound guilty to ME because you’re sitting there being all defensive and that’s the wrong position to take. Stop making excuses – I don’t want to hear all of that.  No man would want to hear all of that – you might even be right – maybe you couldn’t have been certain places, maybe you really were working at your job everyday, yeah – maybe you can even prove all of that with hard evidence, I get it. But we don’t want to hear that then! And you’re not acting like you’re remorseful, you’re acting like you’re the person who’s right in this and YOU ARE NOT, YOU’RE DEAD WRONG, PERIOD. Now….*I* don’t think you have it in you to do that, but I’m not the man who was f*ucking you, so I have a different way of viewing it – I can be a little bit more objective than he can.  But, dog – I can see why he wouldn’t believe you – you need to change your attitude about it. You’re wrong – what you did was shady, plain and simple.  Own it and stop making excuses.”

I was VERY angry with him to say the least – I felt like he wasn’t on MY side- he was supposed to be MY friend.  It took about one year after that conversation for me to “get it” – he was 100% correct: I was wrong.  And, yes, I was acting defensive. I was also taking the position of, “How dare he believe that” when, yes,  he had every reason to believe what was in his face.

And while I’m admitting that I was the one in the wrong and that my approach to the entire situation was not the correct one, it didn’t lesson my pain. I just felt like…..I felt like if we were going to break up and it was going to be all my fault, then at least….let it be because of something I REALLY did, not because of a misunderstanding or because I was shady, deceitful, or ambiguous.  But, maybe, maybe those things were reasons to end our relationship, too. I couldn’t blame him for that if it was. However, it did hurt that it wasn’t something he was willing to look past and at least make an attempt to work on. Perhaps it was the excuse he needed to permanently end things. Maybe it was simply all he could do at that time for his own peace of mind. I can’t speak for him. All I know is that I wanted him to be able to forgive me, I wanted confirmation that he meant what he said during the dinner conversation we had that summer on the lake- I wanted confirmation that no matter what, he would fight for me and fight for us like he promised….because again, all that we had been through, and that big secret he had just confessed to me 2 weeks prior would have all been in vain if he didn’t put up a fight. All I wanted was for him to love me in at least the same way he loved his ex-wife…to love me enough to leave….and come back.  But he never came back.

Of course I wanted him to come back – I loved him, and I wish he knew how much I did. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and so AWFUL that I had hurt him when he was already going through some major life changes.  It seemed as if every time he needed me to come through for him, through my own actions, I let him down, every single time. That couldn’t have felt good to him.  And, so, in many ways, I do understand the choices and the decisions that he made when it came to me. As I wrote a few sentences ago, I wished that his love and desire to be with me was stronger than the hurt and disappointment he felt….but maybe…maybe I didn’t deserve to have those things.  I want you all to write to me and tell me what you think about this.

It took some time for us to start speaking after that incident, and when we resumed speaking, and even seeing each other on a casual basis, there were times when it felt like we were close again, but it was never the same; he didn’t love me anymore.  I’ll tell you all about the last two years of that ‘relationship’ between tomorrow and Sunday night’s last post in this series.

I think I’m happy that I’m off to Argentine Tango dance class to let off some steam because  this was very difficult and painful to write.  See you tomorrow night.

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