Love Letter 28 Part I – Rough Road Ahead

MIC and I were in a very good place at this point.  He was coming to spend the weekend with me at my new apartment (I had to get out of the old one – it had rats!) and we planned a cook-out at my mom and dad’s house; he was going to meet some more of my family and friends.  My family was excited…my friends were happy for me, it seemed like everything was falling into place.

One of the evenings he was with me was the day Michael Jackson died – it was sad for us as we are fans of his.  But we had a great night – he cooked one of my favourite dinners that he makes-risotto, and some kind of dessert that was like crepes with strawberries and whipped cream – it was GOOD.  We listened to music on his iPod while he prepared dinner and we talked and laughed.  He told me something that was so sweet and endearing about a playlist on his pod that I still remember it today…no, I don’t want to share what it was, sorry, guys- some things I have to keep between him and I! We sat at the table, he in his required wear, me in my pink nightie, and we continued conversing and laughing….with wine added to the menu. It was one of those nights when I drank a tiny bit too much and I was a little bit freakier than normal; I’m pretty sure I said some raunchy things that I don’t remember! Lol.

In the morning, we ended up having a very deep, intense discussion that left us both feeling melancholy. When he came back that evening, he wanted to leave and stay somewhere else.  I thought that was ridiculous, and besides, we had plans that involved other people the next day.  He was not having it – there was nothing I could do or say – he was leaving. And then he began saying that we should breakup yet again, that he needed to take one month off to think because he wasn’t in a place where he could be a good partner to me. I was….flabbergasted. We had gone through so much, and I could NOT understand where he was coming from.  Yes, he was going through some things and may have even needed some space, but I thought *we* were good. I mentioned our plans at my folks’ house and he didn’t really seem to care. All of a sudden, I went from feeling sad, helpless, and unable to help him, to just sheer anger.  I felt like he had me on an emotional roller coaster.  So, I wouldn’t let him leave. I blocked the door with my body, and held on to his suitcase. I felt humiliated, stupid, and embarrassed  for believing in him – for telling my friends and family we were having this get-together, and now he wasn’t showing up. He was blowing everything about our situation out of proportion. We struggled like that for awhile – half of it was me remembering him saying he wished I would have stopped him from leaving in the past, and the other half….I just didn’t want him to leave like THAT.  It seemed so harsh and we had been in such a good place – I wanted to fix it, and I was frustrated that he wasn’t allowing us to fix it.  Obviously, I was going about “fixing it” the wrong way, but I felt…..dare I say……desperate? I couldn’t think of anything else to do.  And then he said something to me that was so profound.  He confessed to something that he had promised me two years prior that he would NOT do  – that he wasn’t doing.  And he threw that in my face.  I was shocked, I was speechless – my heart stopped for a few seconds. I let his suitcase go and I moved out of the way.  I was spent.  And, I was hurt….he wasn’t forthcoming with me about something that was VERY important to me – something I told him that I wanted no part of, yet he made me the center of it.  I had never felt so much guilt in my life.  When he left, I sat on the couch and I cried until I was sick.  I didn’t eat anything…I went to bed crying…and sick.  It was an awful time.  And MIC was angry with me for violating him by standing in his way and holding on to his luggage- he was angry with my aggression.  He asked me to talk with a therapist before he would see me again, and I did.  As a matter of fact, I spoke with two- just to please him and show him that I was always willing to do what it takes to make *us* work; if something was wrong with ME, if I had anger issues or boundary issues, I was willing to address them and fix them. At that time, I would have done anything for him and our relationship.  Most of all, I was sorry for hurting him, and I apologized as much as I could; I was remorseful about the way I behaved…and I realized that if I hadn’t behaved that way, I would have never learned what I did, and I probably would have been better off because it’s not something I wanted to know; knowing that, made it worse if we weren’t going to end up being together – it would have all been in vain.

We talked through things and we were almost okay when my friend TLC and I were heading over to spend the weekend near MIC.  The plan was for all of us – her, her kids, another friend of mine, MIC, and his friend, to get together.  He and TLC even planned to take her children on a special tour and her kids were very excited about it. That get-together never happened, and the kids’ tour never happened. Something far worse did…something so awful that nothing I have written in this LL series that’s bad can compare to it.  That will be Part II, and it’s going to be really, really rough for me to discuss. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, and I didn’t think about this part when I decided to tell this story, but if I’m going to tell it, I should tell all – the good and the bad.

See you guys tomorrow night.


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