Stop d a t i n g her if you don’t really want her!


I was talking with a really good guy-friend of mine over the weekend.  We hadn’t spoken in awhile so we were catching up on the latest news in our lives, and he mentioned his girlfriend.  Here’s how the conversation went:

I asked him how things were going and if he was happy, and he said they were good- he is happy, but…

Him: I don’t exactly hear wedding bells. It’s fine for now, we’ll see what happens.

Me: What does that mean? Are you saying you don’t see her as someone you could be with for the long-term as in marriage?

Him: Correct.

Me: Yikes. Are you guys exclusive?

Him: Yes.

Me: And you’re okay with that?

Him: Yes – she’s not pressuring me for anything more serious.

Me: Okay, that sounds good, then. Has she met your children?

Him: No.

<I’m thinking, “Thank God!”>

Me: You still want to get married again at some point?

Him: Yes, actually, I do, but I’m in no rush.

Me: Okay, understood.

Him: I won’t not date someone just because I wouldn’t marry her. She didn’t do anything to me, she’s not pressuring me, and we get along well.

Me: That’s good that you won’t not date someone just because you don’t see them as a wife.

Him: I am still open to the possibility of meeting Mrs. Right. I’m dating others in the meantime.

Me: Wait a sec – how can you be dating others if you’re exclusive? So you’re saying she THINKS you are exclusive with her, but you’re really not. Correct?

Him : No, no, no. I am dating her exclusively. I just don’t see her as a future wife. I’m not gonna break up with her simply because of that. Does that make sense?

Me: No, it doesn’t make sense because you said you are dating others in the meantime.

Him: No, that’s not what I meant. I mean I am dating people like HER in the meantime, until I meet Mrs. Right.

Me: But how can you meet Mrs. Right if you’re dating someone exclusively? I’m confused.

Him: (laughing) You have a point. Eh. I’m in no rush.

Me: Okay – all that matters is that you’re happy.

Him: She’s not pressuring me for anything more serious. We’re taking it as it goes. Which is all I want. I’m not looking ahead too far.

Me: (silence) (Birds chirping).

Him: I think it will run it’s course.

Me: Cool beans.

I then ask him what he’s looking for that he hasn’t found and some other questions.  I was thinking, “He’s right – they’re happy with what they have and she’s not pressuring him, so why shouldn’t he date her just because he wouldn’t marry her?” He’s a fair gentleman.

And then I started to think.

The first thing I thought was how much I admire a rule he has: he does not introduce ANY woman to his children until he has been ‘seriously’ dating  her for at least 18 months to two years.  When he originally told me that, I said, “What the? That’s a LONG time!” His answer made perfect sense, “I already made that mistake after my first wife – introducing my kids to someone within the year of dating them because I thought ‘this is it’ we moved in together, and then we ended up breaking up 2 years later. I’m not doing that again.  My relationship has nothing to do with my kids. Unless I know with 100% certainty that I am going to either co-habitate or marry the woman, she won’t be meeting or spending time with my children.” Makes perfect sense to me – he’s right….if he’s not sure about the future with her, no need to get the children involved- and his children aren’t even babies/young. I respect him so much for making his children a priority, even in a serious relationship; very commendable.

I thought some more.

So, I’ve decided that I really don’t like the idea of a man dating a woman on an exclusive basis, knowing he isn’t going to be with her long-term. If he’s unsure, that’s one thing, sure – keep dating until you figure it out. I think that once you’re over 40, you pretty much know whether the person is long-term material for YOU within one year of serious dating, and if you still aren’t sure, that’s an answer, too….”No!” Lol. But once you KNOW….yeah, that’s pretty bad. I don’t care if she isn’t pressuring you – a lot of women know better, they won’t pressure a guy, they will wait. Very patiently.  However, when some time has gone by, she will be starting to hint about a concrete commitment. It will be subtle – including small statements and behavior changes like, “I don’t need to to drive to work, it’s such a hassle with the traffic – just use my car.” These are the small, subtle things we do to slowly integrate ourselves into a man’s life. He’s clueless and thinks we’re just a good person and we’re ‘helping’ until he realizes how much he’s grown to depend on us for things that should only be within the confines of a marriage. Ha! GOTCHA! (smile and wink).

I don’t know about other women, but I wouldn’t want to date a man exclusively if he already knew he didn’t want me as a wife or as a live-in partner – heck, if he still had doubts after one year – peace! I would say, “Okay, fine. Yes, I like/love you – let’s continue to date. But I reserve the right to date other men if I choose to do that, and you are free to do the same.  I just ask that if you start sleeping with someone else, please let me know.”  That way, there’s less of a chance for hurt feelings (sometimes that just can’t be helped), and everyone is on the same page. It’s honest. And, when you’re really not sure where you are, it’s always best to just come clean and be honest. I mean, it might not be HER, right? Maybe you want to live in Russia when you retire, and she just wants to go to Alabama. That wouldn’t work. Maybe you thought she was ‘the one’ at first and now you’re like, “No, I didn’t realize she was….” and that doesn’t have to be a negative thing – it could be that she’s so into you that she neglects her own life and centers her social life around your life and based on what you’re doing or what you two will do and not do together. Some men love women who adjust their lives like that….but I also know some men who would hate it. Maybe she fits the ideal woman you want- she gets a check next to every thing on your list, but you just aren’t INTO her like that.  You don’t have to tell her WHY if it’s going to hurt her feelings, but *I* think she deserves to know that you don’t see her that way or that you’re still not sure.

But, seriously…Who am I kidding, anyway? Most men won’t do this- they just don’t have it in them to be forthcoming and if we want to know something, we have to pry it out of them! Urrgh. And if any of you know a man who IS like that and he’s single, please send him my way because a man with confidence, intelligence, and who is forthcoming is super-hot! Lol. I’m serious!

I don’t understand why men don’t understand that just because a woman doesn’t ask for something or say something that doesn’t mean she’s not THINKING about it! If you can’t be honest about this kind of stuff – if you fear telling her for whatever reason….guess what? That’s your evidence that she’s NOT the person for you in the long run. You’ve got to be able to be honest and it starts by being honest with yourself. Reflection is good for the soul.

I want to hear from you all -women and men…what do you think? Is it okay to date someone exclusively knowing that you don’t want to marry them or you’re not sure where you are with them, and, most important….keeping that knowledge from them?

See you tonight for Love Letters – I’m off to tell my guy friend that I wrote about him on my blog; wish me luck! Lol.

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2 Responses to “Stop d a t i n g her if you don’t really want her!”

  1. piratejanny Says:

    dawg–i rated it five stars just based on the title. LOL. i will read this over lunch. 😉

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