Love Letter 10 – Damaged

This is…a very painful post to write. It’s about a fight and a break-up- and some other sad things. You guys never saw this coming after the last post, right? Well – neither did I, at the time. I want you all to know that I’m not sad NOW, but re-living those feelings today was pretty awful for me and made me cry.  However, maybe re-living that pain gives me the ability to tell you the story the way it should be told, and to help the reader understand my pain.

I went back to his apartment two days later. The first night was a little rough, but we ended it on a really nice note – we lived out a fantasy of his.  Now, don’t get any freaky ideas, it wasn’t like THAT! It was sweet. The next day is one of 3 days of which are permanently engraved in my mind. We were cuddling and having a conversation.  He wanted me to say that I was happy about something that wasn’t yet clear to me.  I couldn’t do that, it lead to a bad argument and I started packing my things to leave.  He asked me to stay but I was angry and I just needed to go somewhere and calm down – I really didn’t need to take my things with me…in hindsight, I made it much more dramatic than it needed to be – I should have just told him that I needed some air. But I didn’t. I took everything and I left. About 5 minutes later, when I had calmed down, I drove back. I sat in the parking lot and I called him.  He came out and we went to get some lunch and talk, then we went back to his place and I had some drinks – I felt uneasy, like something was going to happen. And something did happen…he changed. All of a sudden, the sweet guy I knew – the guy who loved me, didn’t seem like he loved me anymore.  He was distant, and not in a “I’m still angry” way – it was different. I brought up the job interview that I had scheduled; scheduled at his request because he wanted me physically closer to him, and while he was excited about it before I walked out earlier, this time when I brought it up he simply said, “Well, good luck.” I stared blankly.  Later that day, I had to drop him off and as he was getting out of my car he said, as he normally did when we were parting, “I love you.” And that was the last time I heard him say that. September 13th. In his defense, I know that my actions that day were wrong. He was going through something, and I decided that it was the time for me to throw a tantrum by walking out instead of being a supportive girlfriend when he REALLY needed me to step up and be that in every sense of the title. But my fears consumed me which lead to selfish choices, and so, I am the one responsible for damaging his trust in me.

Over the next few weeks our relationship took a different path, lead by HIM.  All of a sudden, he was telling me that he couldn’t see himself being in any kind of a relationship with anyone. Yet, he didn’t mind continuing physical intimacy.  I loved him, so I obliged him, plus….he was going through a lot of changes and making adjustments, so I felt that the right thing to do was to make allowances for him.  That made me put my own needs and desires to the side, but I was okay with that- I was happy to do that for him.  But then when he told me in early October, right before our planned Europe trip, that he was sorry for the things he said to me that lead me to believe that he was in love with me and that he wanted a relationship with me, I was devastated. And I realized that he had made a decision about something but wasn’t ready to tell me. He also told me that no matter what happened between us, that he hoped I wouldn’t hate him and that he always wanted me as a friend – I told him that friendship is our  foundation, so that will never, ever go away, that I would be his friend for life…no matter what.  He finally did admit to me what was going on with him, and he told me that he did not want to go to Europe anymore.  Sigh. Could things possibly get any worse? There were a few more hurtful things that were done and said that compounded my pain but I won’t re-live them here. Yet, none of those things stopped me from being his friend because he needed a friend at the time, and I promised him I would be there for him.  I even spent an entire week at his place – even though he was right there with me, he was mostly quiet and it made me feel very alone. I didn’t say anything, but inside, my heart was breaking. The worst part? I couldn’t fight for us as I had promised him because his actions/choices didn’t make allowances for me to fight.  Interestingly, I still wanted to go to Europe with him as a friend.  He was adamant about not going. I tried and tried to convince him that we could go as friends, but he didn’t believe we could be platonic, and because of that, in his mind, Europe was dead to him.

Eventually, after many conversations, he warmed back up to the idea of Europe, and after a few more discussions, we were back on schedule to go. My bags were already packed 2 weeks before our scheduled time to leave, so obviously, this made me happy. I didn’t care about the hurt or the pain I was going through, I just wanted to get away, and I wanted to get away with my best friend – I didn’t care if we were being romantic with each other or not.  I don’t think he knows how much going on that trip with him meant to me and how grateful I was and still am that he changed his mind.  I felt like it was a good way for us to permanently say goodbye to our relationship.  Next stop, London – that’s the next post. See you guys tomorrow night.  I promise I won’t cry and that the post will be better. Quote of the night:

“You’re right –  I AM the only one who really knows you! Know why? Because that’s how in synch we are with each other.” Sam to HIM.


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