Love Letter 8- An End, and A Beginning


Sorry, guys – I wrote this last night and this morning I realize I forgot to click, “Publish”. Also, I’ve been realizing that 30 days is not enough time to cover the entire relationship…nowhere NEAR enough, so I’m going to have to speed things up a bit and do some consolidating, which means that sometimes, the nightly posts may be long.  Just preparing you all. And life may step in as I may do some traveling – I will still be posting, but it may be late; I promise that by 1AM EST, something will always be up.

🙂

After the morning of our great weekend, I had a dilemma on my hands.  Remember, I wasn’t looking to be in a relationship, and I certainly wasn’t trying to be in a situation where I was falling in love with a man because THAT feeling can complicate things.  Sometimes.  And sometimes, if the timing is right, loving someone can be the best thing.  In this case, it was going to be complicated for all kinds of reasons that begin with Sam. However, I was swept off of my feet.  Seriously.  But I didn’t want to be in that space.  I shared with him how I was feeling and he told me that he felt confused, too, but he didn’t want us to stop seeing each other. There was some back and forth exchange about this, and I decided, no.  This is too much, and I had a very strong premonition that I was going to end up being hurt.  I sent him a letter telling him that I can’t do this, it’s just too intense, and he accepted my decision. I didn’t want to lose contact with him, and I did want us to make an attempt at being platonic friends.  We had planned to see each other in about 3 weeks, but now the plans were up in the air. I sent him an email stating that I still wanted to see him so we could talk, and asked him if we could have lunch.  His answer literally shocked the hell out of me.  He was hard on me, but in a way that was very realistic, caring, and in a way that addressed my ambivalent feelings.  It was a letter telling me to man up to my feelings, what was going on, and to take a chance on him.  He doesn’t know this, but after that, every time we had a fight, I would re-read that letter and fall in love with him all over again. And, of course, I did take a chance on him; I agreed to continue seeing him.

I was at a business meeting and all suited up with no time to change and I didn’t want to be late so I took my assistant with me to go meet him. Pulling up to where he was gave me butterflies in my stomach, he looked so handsome standing there. And, then, there he was, in the car with me, running  some errands around town, and I was so….happy he was there, and happy I chose….HIM. When we got back to his place, he took out my overnight bag, and we walked inside together, holding hands.  Along the way, he stopped us, dead in our tracks, and he turned to me and kissed me with so much feeling behind it that he took my breath away. Inside, I wanted to talk, he didn’t. Lol. And we didn’t leave our haven until the next morning.

We had so much fun over those 3 days. I drove him to the train so he could go to work.  I met him after work and we went to an exhibit together, and the nights were….well, they were unbelievable. And, I did not realize that sex could get BETTER with him, but it did – it was simply amazing….to both of us, I think. One morning during pillow talk, I told him that I loved him. I wasn’t planning on saying that, it just came out while I was telling him how I was feeling.  I guess I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. And I really did, it didn’t matter to me if he felt the same way or said it back because his letter made me feel like it was okay for me to be where I was. It felt good to send him a text saying, “I love you” while he was at work. One night we went to a Portuguese restaurant and we had such a good time; I sat there in awe…I  couldn’t figure out what it is about “us” that made us just….click.  And, then, I thought, why does it matter?  I’m just going to enjoy this, and enjoy him, for as long as I can.  He was helping me hang something in my bathroom, and he asked me if we actually have a title at this point, was I his girlfriend? I hadn’t really thought about it, so I tossed it around in my mind for a few seconds, and it felt right, so I smiled at him and said, “Of course I am!” The morning we had to say goodbye, we had breakfast together, and before we ate, I asked him for his hands across the table.  And I said grace.  It felt right to do, because someone always used to tell me, “The family who prays together, stays together” and to me, he was becoming like MY family, and all the events surrounding how we met just felt very spiritual, like we were meant to be.

See you tomorrow night for the next post.  Quote of the night- something I said to HIM on our first anniversary, and it was 100% how I felt about him and the relationship:

“The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one’s relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life.”— Sir Hugh Walpole

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