So what if he wants to break up with you?


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Wow – 2 posts today for you guys…I’m on a roll! (smile)

A friend of mine is going through something and she asked me for some advice.  I know she didn’t care for my opinion, but it’s the truth…sometimes the truth is a hard thing to hear, and a hard thing to deal with…sometimes we realize what IS the truth because we live in denial- not on purpose, but as a way to cope; it’s a defense mechanism.  I decided to share the story.

She had been in a serious relationship with a man for about 1.5 years.  As far as she knew, things were going very well and they even had keys to each others’ apartment.  They had, she believed, settled into a life of stability…nothing unexpected or out of the ordinary. Until the day he said, “I’ve been thinking about being single and taking some time for myself.”  She was hurt.  Of course she didn’t want to break up and asked him what was making him feel that way..she thought it was her – maybe she was lacking somewhere or not living up to her part in the relationship.  He assured her that it wasn’t her, that he just had some things on his mind and that he needed time, distance, and space – away from the constraints, responsibilities, and expectations that the relationship required; he told her that he loved her, and that he hoped she cared about him enough to respect his decision, that it wasn’t necessarily a permanent thing.  She was shocked and she was appalled.  But, I think she was mostly embarrassed because she had started to tell her friends (including me) that they were going to be moving in together in the next 2-3 months.  He was the one who suggested moving in!

So when she asked me for my opinion/suggestion/advice, I said, “Look, men usually tell you what they really think about things like that, so if he says it’s not about you and it may not be permanent, I would believe him.  Furthermore, if he wants distance, time, and space because he has things on his mind and you do care about him, he’s right – why can’t you give him that? To not do so and insist on staying in the relationship is selfish and may make him become resentful.  You’ll have his respect if you willingly give him what he is saying he needs.”  She asked, “So, I’m just supposed to walk away and throw away everything we’ve built? All the sacrifices I made – all the compromises I made to be with him?  That’s not fair.”  I replied, “Yeah, sometimes…life isn’t fair.  Thank God this happened NOW and not 3, 4, 5, 10, 20 years from now- would you prefer to hear it then? Take a lesson from me – I have learned the hard way that when a man says he wants or needs something, heck – give it to him because he will find a way to get what he needs and wants, eventually – just like us women do!” She wasn’t happy with that, but I went on….I said, “Look….something I have come to know about men is that if you give them what they want, you will get what YOU want.  Okay – he wants you to cook more – cook EVERY night, and make him lunch everyday until he says he’s good- he’s having lunch with some colleagues for the next few days!  He wants more and better sex? Give him so much that he tells you he’s good for the next few days and start doing it outside of the bed (or the couch) – next time go in front of the dresser/mirror, do it in the shower, in the kitchen- get him while he’s driving! He wants time, space, and distance, give him so much of that he will wonder what the hell happened to you and after some time he might even come looking for you.  So give him what he wants.”

She didn’t listen.

 

She went to go talk with him and tried to tell him she could be supportive while still being and having the girlfriend title.  He was sure what he needed and stood firmly. They had a huge argument.  Now….had she done what I said, which is to tell him that she’s bummed about it but will give him what he needs and that she’s there for him if he needs her. And then GO.  Because only he and God knows why he needs that time – he may want to propose and wants to think it through, he may be going through a family crisis and not want to say what it is- his family may require more of his time and attention, he’s re-evaluating his needs and/or the relationship…it could be any number of things, including..possibly really breaking up (only men who are cowards do it this way).  But, whatever the reason is, you will have so much more of his care and respect if you just give him what he wants.  Be “the one who got away”.

Gentlemen…don’t you agree?

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2 Responses to “So what if he wants to break up with you?”

  1. IMO — if a guy (or girl) want to go — they go. the whole, “i love you/its not you – its me, blah blah blah” – is just a nice way of walking out. & maybe it wouldn’t be a permanent? so she’s supposed to sit around & wait for him to decide? this sounds so familiar i wonder if we dated the same guy – lol. i honestly think whatever she said/did, the outcome would’ve been the same so i hope she’s not beating herself up & 2nd guessing. men don’t typically walk away before they propose, do they??

    • I used to think that way, but…believe it or not, there are some men out there who do need time, space, and distance to think and/or reflect. A guy I was dating once said something very similar to me, and we got back together 1 month later. I will agree that some men just say “it’s not you – it’s me”. I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing – sometimes, it’s really hard to hurt someone’s feelings – especially when they’ve been good to you…but sometimes, you just don’t feel it for that person in the same way anymore.
      Thanks for commenting. 🙂

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