Some people can’t be alone-they need a mate. Why?

This was a topic that my friend Keba and I discussed over the weekend and I just had to write about it. There are some people who can’t be alone and they don’t even realize it. They don’t know how much emotional damage they’re inflicting on themselves because they go from relationship to relationship without a break for personal reflection and space – how can you give the next person you’re with the best of you when you don’t take the time you need to heal?

What is a break-up? A break-up is the complete dissolution of a relationship. That means a COMPLETE break. You’re not still sleeping with the person, you don’t see them from time to time, you’re not still legally married (I don’t care if you’ve been legally separated for 5 years – you are still MARRIED and that affects your thought process and the nature of any other romantic relationship(s) you may be in!), etc – it is a complete ending that is FORMAL.

You might also be asking, “Well, how much time does one need to heal?” It varies – everyone is different. But for long term relationships (relationships that lasted at least 2 years), and this is generally speaking, you need 6 months to heal for every year that you were with your ex. So, going with the 2 year theme, if you wanted to take the correct path for your personal healing, you would take 1 year off from dating to see where you are and think about the role YOU played and how it contributed to the demise of your relationship. Now, 6 months for every year, again, is a general rule – some people will heal at a slower pace, some faster.

Why is it that some people don’t take time to do that? There are so many reasons, and believe it or not, men are more likely to not take this time – women generally do take the time they need to reflect. Here are some reasons why we don’t take time to heal in between relationships:

1. After a break-up, you think you want a relationship, but you really just want the stability, joy, emotions, validation, and security a relationship is associated with. And it’s usually wanted immediately. So you go on doing and saying the things you associate with acquiring the relationship, and then being IN the relationship, believing what you feel at the time. You want a relationship, but not so much because of the PERSON but because of how they make you FEEL (If someone makes you feel good, that’s actually a great thing, but how do you really feel about the PERSON?). You might get called on this and deny it not just to the person you’re dating but to yourself, and many people would have a hard time recognizing, much less admitting this to themselves because it’s such an awful mistake to make because it involves another human being. But once you DO recognize, this, don’t be afraid to say so – you will be saving someone else, and even yourself, a lot of heartache. Don’t stay in a situation to save face or because you feel the need to prove something to yourself or to another person/other people; we ALL make mistakes or bad judgment calls from time to time, especially after a break-up, especially after a long-term one.

2. After a break-up, a new boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse creates more of a social life for you so that fixes the possibility of future loneliness. But you have got to take that time! You WILL feel lonely sometimes, even when you’re healed and with someone – loneliness is a part of life – it may not come often, but it does come around every once in awhile and you have to learn how to live with that!

3. The major reason why people rush into a new relationship:

To avoid the pain of the past relationship – they don’t want to think about it, and they don’t want to think about the part they played in the ending of the relationship. The bottom line is FEAR.

We are, as human beings, so afraid to look at ourselves in the mirror. But if we don’t take time off from dating to do that, you are not only hurting the next person in your life, you are hurting yourself, because eventually, at some point in your life, you WILL have to face that mirror, and when the years of personal reflection creeps up on you and forces you to look at who you really are, you are going to be so heavy with emotions that you may become depressed.

How you can tell that you’re ready for a new relationship:

1. You are no longer angry with your ex. AT ALL. You are indifferent.

2. You have re-connected with people in a non-romantic way.

3. You are comfortable being alone and even welcome it from time to time.

4. You really want to be with someone new because you genuinely like who they are, flaws and all (well, the flaws that you know of!) as opposed to what they might mean in your life, what they represent in your life, who they may be on paper, what people think of you and/or the new relationship or because they cater to your every need.

5. You don’t still secretly desire your ex. Or maybe someone else…or other people!

6. The big one: YOU TRUST THEM WITH YOUR FEELINGS AND ARE WILLING TO BE VULNERABLE WITH THE PERSON – you have true emotional intimacy (by the way, having this kind of trust enhances the physical part of your relationship.)

So….are YOU ready? Think about it.


9 Responses to “Some people can’t be alone-they need a mate. Why?”

  1. very true! Loved your article. I was in a 4 year relationship and lived with my then boyfriend. He couldn’t handle the emotions during our down time and instead of communicating he started looking for a back up girl and cheated and dumped me, kicked me out. However he was and still is attached to me. He didn’t fall out of love he wanted to play the field see if the grass is greener and keep me on the side. But I didn’t take that and confronted him so he turned cold on and built resentment blaming everything on me and talking about me behind my back to get people to agree what he did was right. I am staying single its only been 6 months since we been apart and he’s claiming to be “true love” madly in love with the girl he cheated on me with, and she knew about me. Turns out he used me to cheat with the girl before me, I was so sick to my stomach when I had found out 4 years later. I wish u would’ve known I wouldn’t have been with him. I’m still effected and rather heal than jump right into a new man’s arms. My ex is a repeat offender and I know he is not in love, just in lust and trying to use the new girl as a band aid…they won’t last, she had sex with him from the start, I made him wait months and waited till we were a couple, they’re built on lies, deception, my heartache and his need to fill in a void. It’s going to come crashing down on them. I have a feeling he’ll be back trying to test the waters with me.

    • Hi, Morgen – thank you so much for taking the time to write about your experiences. I’m glad you enjoyed the post. 🙂

  2. Youve described me. Im struggling to change. I wish i knew how to 😦

  3. Thank you for this article. I agree with everything…especially: not reflecting on one’s own thoughts and feelings and not really caring about the PERSON. Self-reflection is the first step to get to know yourself better and also to find out where to make changes. Some people do not even realize that they are stuck in unhealthy patterns. Change is not easy but necessary to progress in maturity.

  4. This still refers to needing a mate. About break ups and how to prepare for next one. I’ve been single eleven years, and I love it. I don’t ever want to be in a relationship, and enjoy quite solitude. I love myself, and am never lonely. People think something is wrong with me, or some guy must have really screwed me up in the past but ,no, I never cared for anyone else’s, approval, love, affection, dependency. Nope. Some call it A sexual, A romantic. I call it being completely one with myself, enjoying my own company, and turning for knowledge outside of the typical life we think we “should” lead. Now that’s beautiful. Sadly, however, all people I know and meet are incredibly I evolved and need a mate to validate their worth. Or fill a void. Hahaha. A mate will never give you what you can give yourself!!

  5. So I’m supposed to leave a 10-year relationship and grieve for 5 years before I date anyone else? The grief process is not something you can boil down to a mathematical equation.

    • That is a guideline- everyone and every relationship dynamic is different. Some people move on quickly, others never really heal. Thanks for reading!

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