Giving up the (almost) perfect guy. Epiphany.



Isn’t it great- how vacations, when done the right way, causes you to be able to focus and see things with clarity?

What do you do when you meet a man who completes your checklist of everything you’ve ever wanted in a mate? This man is honest, genuine, sincere, driven, intelligent, worldly, articulate, has impeccable manners and etiquette, a gentleman, dresses well and appropriately, financially sound and stable, great body that he takes care of, educated, sexy, kind hearted, strong, and on top of all of those attributes, he’s family oriented. I am not saying he’s perfect, because he isn’t. But there really isn’t much to dislike!

So, why is it that I can’t be attracted to him? We have a great time when we’re together. He’s thoughtful and sweet, yet makes me feel safe when I’m with him – I know that no harm could ever come to me when he’s around. Yet, I am void of romantic feelings for him. And I’ve given it time. Could I see myself with him in a longterm, committed relationship? That’s the kicker: Absolutely! He’s the kind of man that any woman would be proud to introduce to her colleagues, friends, family, and parents. I WAS proud to introduce him to all of those people, and he didn’t let me down, everyone thinks he’s a great guy. I am a firm believer in compatibility when choosing a life partner. While me may have lacked chemistry – it wasn’t non-existent, just lacking, the compatibility was very strong. Yet, over a period of time, compatibility wasn’t enough….with this knowledge, I had to give him up.

Because the two things I need to feel for him, I’m incapable of feeling; I couldn’t really FEEL romantic towards him, even though I could, and certainly did BEHAVE that way, but I’ve begun to realize that I DO need a good dose of chemistry- I’ll eventually get bored with a man without it! I know that in the long-run, we’d end up being mere roommates – very friendly roommates, and companions to each other – how can you feel desire, but not passion? I never thought that was possible, but it is something that truly exists. But I want and desire passion, and I know that there’s nothing wrong with me wanting to have that in a relationship. I’ve given it time, but I can’t feel for him what I know I should feel for the relationship to move to the next level; I am not the kind of person who is okay with being “okay” – I WANT to be that kind of person, but I realize now that I can’t be as I’m not built that way, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that if I am in a relationship that lacks chemistry, I will probably end up cheating!

I’m not looking to have butterflies in my stomach at the thought of seeing him. I’m not expecting to want to talk with him at least ten times for the day. What I do want, is to think while I’m at work, “I can’t wait to get off so I can see *John*”. I can’t wait to eat dinner with him and then cuddle on the couch after we wash the dishes together and watch tv.” And I replay that thought in my mind a few times as the day progresses. I want to look over at him while we’re in the bookstore – I’m on my laptop, he’s reading a paper, we haven’t exchanged words in about thirty minutes, and I think to myself while I’m smiling and looking at him with his head down in ‘The Economist’, “We don’t even need words between us. I feel so comfortable, and I love everything about him, even the way he folds the paper.” He feels something, looks up, and catches me looking at him. He smiles at me. And my smile broadens. He used to laugh and say, “What? What’s going on?” But, now, after 3 years, he knows what I’m saying when I do that, and I know what he’s saying. Then I go back to working, and he puts his head back down to continue reading.

What we said, without uttering one word is, “I love you. And sitting here with you, even in silence for the past half of an hour, makes me happy. Thank you for being here with me.” Nothing like that has ever happened with Mr. (almost) Perfect: if I see him, that’s great, and I know I’ll have a good time. If I don’t see him, well that’s okay with me, too. And, after three years, I still get butterflies when I’m going to see *John*. I’m just as excited to go to a black tie event with him as I am waiting in line at Wegman’s with him.

And that’s what I gave “the perfect guy” up for: to make myself open, ready and available for the “unperfect” guy who knows what my smiling, stolen glances really mean… because his smile back means the exact same thing.

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2 Responses to “Giving up the (almost) perfect guy. Epiphany.”

  1. raining wombats Says:

    So true — and nothing to apologize for! You could have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) who is PERFECT on paper, but if there’s no chemistry, then what’s the point? Chemistry is something you can’t control — either you feel it or you don’t. This is why it’s never a good idea to allow an online relationship go too far before you actually MEET the person face-to-face and spend some time with them. You can use an online dating site to NARROW your choices and weed out the obious dealbreakers, but it’s no substitute for the real “chemistry test!”

    • What an interesting user name you have! 🙂

      I agree with everything you said….funny, I didn’t think much of chemistry until it was lacking! I hope my post came across that way – it wasn’t that we didn’t have any chemistry at all, it just wasn’t enough to keep it going after awhile. But, it was decent for the first year or so!

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